Scariest Movie I've Ever Seen

If done tastefully and with some sort of deeper thinking involved, I love a good scary movie from time to time. "Jurassic Park" made me think about science. "28 Days Later" was an amazing film. I love the old Hitchcock thrillers.

This movie, however, was, by far, the most frightening movie I have ever seen.

I fancy myself an extremely respectful person in regards to people's choices about their religion and spiritual paths. In fact, spirituality is such an important subject to me that I got my BA in Religious Studies. Even though none of these are my personal spiritual path, I have respect for Muslims, Pagans, Christians, Jews, Hindus, Sikhs, Buddhists, Voudoins, Wiccans. My basic motto with religious choice is: "The flowers on the petal are many, but the flower is one."

From the movie's homepage:

"A growing number of Evangelical Christians believe there is a revival underway in America that requires Christian youth to assume leadership roles in advocating the cause of their religious movement.

"Jesus Camp" follows a group of young children to Pastor Becky Fischer's "Kids on Fire Summer Camp," where kids are taught to become dedicated Christian soldiers in God's army and are schooled in how to take back America for Christ. The film is a first-ever look into an intense training that recruits born again Christian children to become an active part of America's political future."

Although I couldn't find a picture of it, the first thing that froze me in my seat, took my breath away was the opening scene. It was of a "recruiting" introductory workshop. The scene was of a bunch of kids dressed like an army, twirling these baton things and marching/dancing to a song for Jesus.

The second huge red flag went up when Becky said something to the effect of: "Look at the Muslims. They train their kids starting when they are really small to be willing to die for Allah. I want to create kids that are willing to die for Jesus."

Becky is very clear about and honest with her intent to brainwash these kids. She uses tried and true, "scientifically proven" techniques to do so, taking them step by step to her cause. She justifies it by saying that all kids are brainwashed and why shouldn't she (with the god's and the parent's consent, of course) brainwash them this way?

Third terror alert (code red) amidst many mini previous ones as we followed a number of kids home then to camp? When the kids finally get there, their first session reminded me of watching footing from Hitler's Germany. The whole thing (or what was presented on film, anyway) was to instill in the kids how "bad" they are, how sinful. Kids..little kids were crying, sobbing in shame, many of them with their heads in their arms, not willing to be seen. Yup, break their psyches down with pain and shame, then give them a way out through you. I kept wondering if Becky trained by the CIA. She's that good at what she does.

These kids are committed. They feel they are messengers for God, here to spread his word, given a mandate because God brought them George Bush and it's time for them to step up to the plate and do "their part." I laughed at one scene. One young girl, who kind of struck me as a bit unbalanced, tried to convert someone at a bowling alley. The woman actually listened to her. I would have politely told her that I was not interested as I always do with any sales person. Just because it's a kid doesn't mean I have to reinforce rude behavior trying to sell me something so personal and which I neither asked for nor want. I don't accept phone solicitations or door to door sales people...so why would I listen?

Throughout the whole thing, I kept wondering what would happen if the Christian right found out about a camp for Gay kids. I wondered what would happen to a Pagan kid camp. Would they stand outside the camp and try to shut it down? Would they file complaints?

On their way back home after their training, they got to stop at one of their personal Christian rock star's church. It was, obviously, filmed before Mr. Haggard's publicity "challenge."

Let me state catagorically that I feel terribly for the man. We all learn our lessons in life and I feel incredibly sorry for anyone that has to have that level of hypocrisy shoved in their faces and go through the anguish I can imagine he went through. For me, though, their adventure with him was such a metaphor for all that I heard throughout the film: God gave us GW Bush; there is no such thing as Global Warming..it's just a plot by the liberals to shift the issue off abortion; there is no such thing as evolution; the Bible is THE word of God (like he dictated it directly to the printing house). I can find no truth in any of those statements or in what Ted Haggard projected himself to be. It's utterly fascinating to me to try and understand why people hold onto things that from my perspective are so clearly untrue....and that they hold so tenaciously, struggle and grasp, even when faced with that which they have been clinging to has been proven false.
Ecstatic spiritual experience is an amazing feeling. I know. Kids are so open to all of those kinds of emotions, have very few walls once they have been convinced of the rightness of their cause. They have very little interference with past history and a possess a truly trusting nature. My observation has been that when kids are subjected to this kind of treatment when young, they do one of two things. They stay there or they start to wake up, take notice of a few of the hypocrisies, feel lied to and rebel. As I watched these kids, I was fascinated, wondering where they would be in ten or fifteen years.

I support the right to religious freedoms. But that doesn't mean I don't see some that frighten me and make me so happy to be who I am. One of the things that I really appreciated about the film is that they had other Christians critiquing this movement. Along side the story line of the camp, they had a critical Christian radio personality who was airing a show that they would go back to a number of times during the movie. Any critique that will be effective and heard needs to come from within Christianity itself. If not, it will only be dismissed.

Because, you see, they really won't listen to someone like me.

My God doesn't want or need an army, especially one of children.

He doesn't feel the need to shame and instill fear into little children so they follow him. He's more confident of himself than that.

My God's about Love.

Images from the movie taken from here , here, and here

You can read more of a synopsis of the movie here

again, the movie's website is here

read disucssion about the film at Indiewire.com

Carnivals

There are a couple of Carnivals I submitted to this last week and got published in...eeeahhhaaaa!!!....

The first is the Carnival of Family Life for which I submitted my article on Teens and Sex. It's being hosted by a wonderful woman named Janie over at Colloquium.

The other articles submitted are:

Jack Yoest of Yoest.com presents Memorial Day at Arlington National Cemetery.
Cory Aldrich of Marriage Actually presents Holiday Negotiations.
mom&dad of raising4boys.com present How Not to Coach a Kids’ Soccer Team.
Kerri of Play Library presents Dangerous Pool Toys.
Jordan of MamaBlogga presents Five Things Moms Do Right
Laura Young of Dragon Slayer's Guide to Life presents When Your Old Self and New Self are out of Sync: Social Drag.
Karen Flores of Karen Flores presents By the word of their testimony - More Read Alouds
Jenny-Up the Hill of Up the Hill Gang presents Up the Hill Gang: 10 Days.
Holly Schwendiman of Holly's Corner Blog presents We Made It!.
Silicon Valley Blogger of The Digerati Life presents Sounding Off On How Much Mom’s Job Should Pay.
Mama Duck of Lil Duck Duck presents Messy party ideas - part 3.
Kevin of More4Kids Parenting presents Parenting Tip of the Day: Avoid Punishing When Angry. Super Saver of My Wealth Builder presents Investing for Our Daughter.
Erica Douglas of LittleMummy.com presents Parenting: Micro-Management v. Complete Delegation.
Lill Hawkins of News from Hawkhill Acres presents Singing in My Sleep.
Sara of fiveberries in Texas presents On Potty Training.
Dana of Principled Discovery presents Homeschooling With a New Baby.
Sherrie McCarthy of Confessions of a Wandering Gypsy Princess presents Pumpkin Butt is Driving Me Crazy.
Dana of Southern Gal Goes North presents Unruly Children=Bad Parenting?.
Riley of All Rileyed Up presents The Latest in Hair Trends.
muse of me-ander presents Nice Day, Nice Pictures.
Therapy Doc at Everyone Needs Therapy presents Commencement.
Sara of Suburban Oblivion presents One of Those Real (Bad) Mom Days.
Whymommy of Toddler Planet presents A Peace-Loving Home.
Karen of Write from Karen presents Doing the Shuffle.
Csara of Baby Talkers presents Sharing.
Hueina Sue of Echoes of Cold Moon presents In Praise of Green Beans.
Christine of Everyday Disasters presents Physics and the School Play.
Shera of There's A Frog In My Soup . . . and other mixed blessings! presents Brother for Sale.
Julee of Homeschool Daze presents I'm Serious.
Chris Wondra of Chris Wondra.com presents What to do when your child is being teased.
Jennifer of Toddler Tactics presents Let the Battles Begin.
Mommy the Maid of Mommy the Maid presents Yesterday she turned two.
Summer of Wired for Noise presents Poop.Suzanne of Adventures in Daily Living presents Things I Need to Remember.
Kate of Babylune presents Unassisted Childbirth Considered More Normal.
Megan Bayliss of Imaginif. . . presents Saying No Takes Practice: Play Idea to Help Kids Say No. Kailani of An Island Life presents The Happiest Place on Earth?
Pamm of We Survived the Teens presents Teens and Sex.
Stephen Ward of Project Paradox presents Kids Say the Darnedest Things.
Vicky of Little Legends Blog presents At what age do you let your children go out on their own?Leisa of Down with the Kids presents A Humour Milestone?
Carol of Can't Holder Tongue presents Bathtub Advice.
Kristen of Love Shak, Baby presents Going Out To Eat With The Kids: Where Do You Go?
Arun of Arun is Bringing You . . . Your Daily Remedy presents The Art of Forgetting.
Michelle Sweeney of Tonic Gifts presents The meanest mother in the world.
Christine of Are We There Yet Mom? presents Summer Safety and the Unthinkable!
Nathania Johnson of The SEM Zone presents I'm a Proud SEO Mom.
Jonathan Pippenger of Growing Up with the Kids presents Dad Logic vs. Daughter Emotion: Round 1.
Madeleine Begun Kane of Mad Kane's Humor Blog presents No Sweat Divorce.
The Expatriate Chef of The Expatriate's Kitchen presents I Know She'll Like it — Someday.
Maureen of Trinity Prep School presents Peak Experience of the Week.
Ben Cotten of Ben's Soap Box presents My Apologies to Golden China for the Spider Monkeys.

I'm enjoying the discovery of new ideas and places to find a few laughs and encourage you to check all or some of them out!!

___________________________


The other was the Carnival of Observations On Life, hosted this time by Anja Merret at Chatting To My Generation.

I want to thank Anja for being kind and including me as I think I may have misunderstood the intent of this Carnival..I thought it was supposed to be on humorous stuff so sent in my posts about Moth Genocide....blush.

Brandon Peele presents An Open Letter to My Parents posted at GT.
Conan Stevens presents Stupid Things We Did As Beginner Bodybuilders posted at Tall Muscle Actor Blog.
Conan Stevens presents Kindergarten Child Arrested And Charged With Felony posted at Thinking About Life.
Conan Stevens presents Acting Is High Pay But Don?t Try To Live Like A Movie Star posted at Actors And Acting Informational Blog.
Allan Wallace presents Teachers and Students - Method Works For Some, Destroys Others posted at - The BFU Journal -documenting the creation of a new type of college.
Madeleine Begun Kane presents No Sweat Divorce posted at Mad Kane’s Humor Blog.
Rickey Henderson presents Rickey’s Weekend Running Diary (Of Doom) posted at Riding with Rickey.
Kennubo presents Fat monster, a date with a cute girl and free lunch posted at Ken Nubo — Your daily source of rambling.
karl staib presents Perspectivism posted at Karl Staib.
Shamelle presents 6 ‘American Idol Ways’ To Enhance Your Blogging posted at Enhance Life.
Debra Moorhead presents What Gardening Has Taught Me About Life posted at Debra Moorhead.com.
Samir presents How to anti-crash a wedding in 5 easy steps - a case study posted at SamirBharadwaj.com.
Ellesse presents Inspirational Stories I : Wilma Rudolph, An Olympic Wonder posted at Goal Setting College.
Jeremy Reeves presents Being Weird Is a Good Thing posted at The Road To A Perfect Life.
Pamm presents The Thing About Organic Food Is….. posted at We Survived The Teens.
therapydoc presents Commencement posted at Everyone Needs Therapy.
Alvaro Fernandez presents Lifelong Learning and New Neurons in Adults posted at Brain Fitness.
Daniel Brenton presents Destiny’s Calling, and it’s Getting a Busy Signal posted at The Meaning of Existence (and all that): The Odd Little Universe of Daniel Brenton.
Ankesh Kothari presents Easy Trick to Achieve All Your Goals posted at How To Grow Your Blog Traffic.
Phil presents The Size of Money « Phil for Humanity posted at Phil for Humanity.

Telling The Kids About Drugs

Controversial topic, I know. Abuse of them can lead to all sorts of lifelong problems, throwing people into places that are very difficult to extricate themselves from.

All three of my girls experimented with drugs in their teens: alcohol, pot, LSD, crack or crank (don't remember which one), mushrooms. Probably ecstasy. I'm not sure, but I don't think they've done heroin or angel dust.

I am here to report they did not die, none of them does drugs regularly now. I don't get that any of them did as many drugs as I did when their age. Although Morgan did quite a few for awhile, none of them has become addicted to anything, all have experimented and are pretty done with them for the most part, barring occasional pot with two of them and some drinking from time to time as partying folk do. But even that has slowed down. As Morgan and I were saying one time...partying can be a cultural a rite of passage of sorts these days. It's "cute" to end up puking when you're 19. At 22 it's less attractive. By 28 eyebrows are raised. If you're 32 and still doing the sloppy drunk, you're a loser. By 40, it's just disgusting.

In our small community a group of us went through parenthood together, with kids as peers. Some kids went through these stages with a bit more struggle than others. I remember discussions with a few parents on the topic. Opinion was mixed as to how to handle things...whether to tell the kids about our personal involvement with drugs in our pasts (or present for some).

I stood, and continue to stand on the side of honesty--trusting that my kids are smart and want to be whole. I took drugs when I was young. Lots of pot, hash, LSD, mesacline, THC in pill form, tons of speed, cocaine once, angel dust once. Although I was mostly done with them by my early 20's, much of my sophmore through senior years were spent high on one drug or another. As time went on, I was starting to feel more and more nauseous when I smoked pot. After a previous seven year hiatus, the last time I smoked it was when I was 31. I got violently ill for days (I do everything backwards....most people smoke pot to stop nausea, I get it from smoking).

I told my kids my history because I think my words carry more weight than someone who has never had drugs. One of the reasons I was so open to so many drugs was due to my curious nature, and my need to rebel against the loving control my parents provided me. I didn't want my kids to feel that control and have that need to take back their lives in unhealthy ways. One of the things that really upset me was all the drug education they gave us in school. We were told that if we smoked pot, then we would automatically kill ourselves because it ALWAYS straightlined to heroin addiction. As a kid, this made me lose complete respect for the programs. I thought them stupid and bunk. My kids had the D.A.R.E program in school. A few years after one had the program, the officer who led it was arrested for drug use. What do we think this stuff does to kids? This officer and we are only human, I know, but to be hypocritical causes more problems than telling the truth. I knew drugs. I wan't unreasonable about them, I used them, I liked them, I didn't get addicted so no misleading horror story there. I saw them for what they were and rejected them.

What I told my kids, pretty much verbatum, is this:

There is a reason people take drugs. It's because they feel good. I'm not going to lie...they do feel really good and are really fun.

But they Lie. They are not real and they make you think everything inside you is OK but it's NOT OK. You loose the ability to function like a human being. Everyone around you can see you are out there, but you think you are functioning. This is the lie. I've watched people from my generation take tons of drugs and I can tell you from first hand observation, that the ones who took lots and continue to take them stop their emotional development and their ability to function well in society. All the ones I know who smoke pot every day are emotionally stuck back when they first started smoking. Do you want to be 40 years old with the emotional capacity of a 16 year old? There is a REASON I don't do drugs any more, even though they feel good. I don't because of this lie. Although I would prefer you don't do them, I figure you may take drugs to experiment. Again..not the best choice and one I hope you don't make, but you are going to have to learn to be responsible for yourself. But know this: if you go over the edge, I will be so in your face you won't know what hit you.

Many of the parents didn't like my approach, feeling like admitting the truth "gave permission" to take drugs. These same parents smoked when they were young, some still smoke. I look at their kids now. Many of the kids whose parents chose to lie to "protect"them are now pretty heavy drug users.

Feedback from my kids about feeling like my telling them my history gave them permission was mixed. None of them took it that I was giving them permission, but Cass said she could see that other kids might see it that way. I'm not sure what the answer is there and cannot begin to give "advice" to other parents. I'm happy to hear we are in a current trend of less drug use with teens. As trends tend to go in cycles, I'm not sure what the future holds.

I'm not sure how to bring a kid back from excess, not sure how they get there. I had a general parenting style of keeping a watchful eye, while pretty much putting my kids lives in their ball court. This style was consistent throughout their lives. I don't know how certain kids end up taking too many drugs and others don't. I don't know why my kids never ended up as material for a Jerry Springer show.

I wanted my girls to learn to police themselves because they have to do this their whole lives. This training has to start when they are young. No one can go from having their whole life controlled to being able to make decisions. We all have to go through trial and error periods. No adult functions if they are constantly looking to their parents (bosses, pundits, etc) to make all their moral decisions for them. The teen times are a time of learning what it is to be an adult. Sometimes in the learning we fall off the path to find our way back. If kids feel loved, respected, and have developed even a modicum of self esteem, they can go through periods that may look scary (and are to a parent) but then they come around once they have played out the curiosity. I can say with full certainty: if a child wants to experiment with drugs they will, no matter what a parent does or says. Yes, we can and do influence them, but in the end we cannot ultimately control them. It's not our life. It's theirs.

Informative Commercial Break-

If your child has an addiction they may require detox before they can become healthy again. If you suspect your child might be using drugs, look for some of the common signs like depression. Find out more about how to spot, and treat a drug addiction online.

Drugs from here

LSD Trip from here

South Park image from here

Eyeball image from here

Wizard of Oz as Hero's Journey from here

Carnival of Family Life

An article of mine was included at The Carnival of Family Life over at Be A Good Dad. There are tons of good posts and I'm sure you will find something to connect with in these posts. As I am fairly new to this genre of blogs here in Blogland, I am appreciating being introduced to some lovely writers. I have chosen to just cut and paste the whole carnival here for easy reference as I have seen other Carnivals do...enjoy!!!


Karen presents Appreciating Mothers, Not Just THE Day posted at Write From Karen.
Garret presents So I just joined Myspace posted at Need to Get Some.
Lori Radun, CEC presents Finding Peace in Letting Go posted at The Mom Coach.
Melitsa presents What?s in the bag? posted at Play-Activities.com.
Maureen presents Trinity Prep School - Name That Tude…. posted at Trinity Prep School.
Tricia presents You’re Not Fat, You’re Wonderful posted at Blogging Away Fat.
Erica Douglas presents Stop Trying To Be a Perfect Parent posted at Littlemummy.Com.
alfaking presents Born again posted at Alfa King Memories.
Michelle presents Oh Yea? So What Is YOUR Child Wearing? posted at scribbit.
Jenny-up the hill presents My Donkey Fell On the Road! posted at Up the Hill Gang.
TherapyDoc presents Going Home, Part One posted at Everyone Needs Therapy.
Plus6 presents HOW TO: Lower Your Pet Costs posted at Plus6 Personal Finance.
Linsey B. Knerl presents My First Post and Other Oddities posted at Facipiers and Stinky Toes.
Summer M presents Taking a breather posted at Mom Is Teaching.
Tushar presents Shopping at Costco…the frugal way !! posted at Life of a Resident Alien….
manicmama presents A Cure for Colic? posted at manicmama.
GP presents The Apple of My Eye posted at Fish Creek House - INNside Innkeeping.
Summer presents Are you sure they’re brothers? posted at Wired For Noise.
Sherry presents She has her own sense of style posted at Chaos Theory.
Karen presents Gorgeous Despair posted at Write Stuff.
Romie presents MLO stays up to be with daddy posted at Romie’s Rants.
Ian presents I Think We are Officially a Large Family posted at Musings From A Catholic Bookstore.
Jenny presents Tips for getting little hands to help posted at the so called me.
kristen presents DIY’ers get nailed posted at Shakhammer.
Super Saver presents Lessons From My Daughter - Have Fun posted at My Wealth Builder.
Garret presents “Puppy Love” - a different perspective posted at Need to Get Some.
Henry Cate presents We love Colonial Williamsburg posted at Why Homeschool.
Joey presents Say Goodbye posted at Hearts A Fire.
Jeremy Adam Smith presents Jackie and Jessica’s Story: The missing piece of the puzzle posted at Daddy Dialectic.
Karen Murphy presents adventures in three-year-old land posted at Lion and Magic Boy.
Shera R. presents Another Cute Post posted at A Journey With Twins.
Rocketman presents Call My People posted at The Rocketman’s Change For A Dollar.
MLO is daddy’s little girl posted at Romie’s Rants.
Lill Hawkins presents Daughter’s Day posted at News from Hawkhill Acres.
Terri Mauro presents Kids Who Can’t Swim, Parents Barely Afloat posted at About Parenting Special Needs.
Karen Shanley presents Must Sea TV posted at Karen Shanley: Author Mom with Dogs.
Jordan presents Five Things Moms Do Right posted at MamaBlogga.
Jennifer presents Help Me Rhonda … Get Him Off of My Leg posted at Parenting Toddlers.
Stacie presents Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics posted at The Twinkies.
Kailani presents Conquering Your Fears posted at An Island Life.
Megan Bayliss presents Melt and Mould Soap Making posted at Home Schooling Aspergers..
Jenny presents I missed Mother’s Day posted at the so called me.
Pamm presents More Letting Go….. posted at We Survived The Teens.
sara presents poop stories posted at fiveberries in texas.
therapydoc presents Courage posted at Everyone Needs Therapy.
Shamelle presents Are We There Yet? posted at Enhance Life.
Erica Douglas presents Remember Your Purpose Outside of Parenting posted at LittleMummy.Com.
Melitsa presents Play activity: How does your garden grow? posted at Play-Activities.com.
Tracee Sioux presents The Voice in My Head posted at So Sioux Me.
Kendra Dahlstrom presents Different Views on Natural Birth posted at vbacadventure.com.
Karen Lynch presents Meditation Rules posted at LivethePower.
Anna presents PARENTS GONE STUPID posted at On The Ponderosa.
Megan Bayliss presents Christine Aguilera Abused as a Child posted at Imaginif….
Hueina Su presents Journey into Love posted at Intensive Care for the Nurturer’s Soul.
Craig Harper presents Gill’s Story posted at Motivational Speaker.
Eric presents How To Get Your Kids To Love Taking Medicine posted at Husbandhood.
Annette Berlin presents Free Toys For Older Kids posted at Frugal Journey.
supermom_in_ny presents Target, Bratz and the Number 11 posted at Snow White, 7 Dwarves and PDD.
almomento presents 10 Steps to Better Efficiency in Your Day to Day Life posted at BurstCreativity.
Donna Jean presents Costs of Summer: Work and Camp posted at The Weight of Money.
Sherry presents Making a mother posted at Chaos Theory.
Thad Guy presents Defense Against Toddlers posted at Thad Guy.
Colonel Cash presents Educating Kids for global competition posted at A Place For Dad’s.
Jonathan PIppenger presents A Little Bit of Forgiveness posted at Growing Up With The Kids.
Rachel Starr Thomson presents small ones posted at Inklings.
Lorri presents A Little Excitement posted at The Mac and Cheese Chronicles.
Cory Aldrich presents HIStory - Part I: “He’s Got Nice Hair” posted at marriageactually.com.
Kerri Aldrich presents A Fun Visit to the Dentist posted at Play Library.
Cade Krueger presents Moms, Family, and Our Purpose for Business posted at Make Money Business Opportunity @ Write To Right.
Brent Diggs presents The Ominous Comma » Progeny Pride posted at The Ominous Comma.
Stephanie presents $200 Toward Debt posted at Stop the Ride!.
Vicky presents Why do parents join online communities? posted at Little Legends Blog.
Leisa presents Dinosaurs looking down posted at downwiththekids.net.
Csara presents Realizing my baby isnt such a baby anymore posted at Baby Talkers.
ispf presents Money and Relatives posted at Grad Money Matters.
Dianne M. Buxton presents Buddha’s Birthday at The Gentle Barn posted at manifestingsuccess.
Fun Playdates presents Flower Jewelry Craft for Kids posted at Fun Play Dates.
Kevin presents Kids And Money - Have Your Child Earn It posted at More4kids Parenting.
mom & dad presents Fire Ants and Kids Don’t Mix (Plus, How to Treat Stings) posted at raising4boys.com.
WhyMommy presents Culture Shock. posted at Toddler Planet.
Mama Duck presents Messy party ideas part 2: Homemade slime posted at Lil Duck Duck.
:: Suzanne :: presents :: adventures in daily living ::: chores posted at :: adventures in daily living ::.
Next week’s Carnival of Family Life is going to be hosted at Colloquium.
You can submit your entries through the Blog Carnival’s website at this link.

Fancy Hair

Parents always need to have a clear understanding of their strengths and weaknesses in order to remain conscious about what they do effects their kids. When Starla was about 3, I learned I cannot do hair. Some things will ever remain a mystery to me.

My poor girls. They were young when people were doing all sorts of fancy braids, flip ups, creative ponytails. There were fancy things to do with multiple butterfly hair clips, small bows, bands, toothed thingies, barretts. Options in our household were hair down, or in a straight ponytail. I couldn't even get the two ponytails thing right.

It's not that I didn't try. They would come to me with a brush, some hair ties and frilly-dillies with a sweet trusting look on their cute little faces. Each time I would remind them of my lack of ability in this department. Each time they would assure me that I did fine and PLEEEEEASE would I just do their hair. I would. It would look awful, but they would tell me it looked grand. When I picked them up from school, the hair do would be out, hair flowing free.

Starla, Kailyb and I were at the pastry shop after our lovely time at the Farmer's market yesterday when I saw a little girl if about three with perfect little ponytail puffs on each side of her haid. The part was perfectly straight, and the puffs were at the perfectly matched place on each side of her cute little head. I reminded Starla of when she was young and how I could never do her hair for her and she started to laugh. She told me that sometimes the hairdo would just fall out, but that, yes, there were times when the minute she got to school and I was out of sight, she would pull it out.

Kids are so sweet.

Fancy Braid from here

French braid from here

Cornrowing from here

Homebirth Twilight Zone

I was a midwife from 1980-1986. For anyone with bad math skills that's at least 25 years. The reason I say that is because I am reading homebirth blogs and I feel like I am in 1980 on one on the homebirth "debate."

Why are the issues that we dealt then with still the issues? What's happened? Or hasn't happened?

About midway through being a midwife, Vaginal Birth After Cesareans were just starting to be acceptable. By the time I stopped, there was hope. I thought they had become commonplace, but I now find out that it's WORSE than it was back then. WTF???

The same bloody arguments, which we all know aren't true, are still be used to justify taking away a woman's right to choose the attendant and location of her birth...or at least attempting to shame her as an unfit parent, murderer or abuser. One upside is that I think it's easier to find a midwife now. I know in California you can find a midwife licensed by the state and not have to fear about anything. When I did a search online, I found a number of states that I don't remember having legal lay midwives when I was practicing. So all that's good.

But it still sounds like all the same issues in hospital births that we railed against: constant monitors, having to lie down to give birth, increased intervention, increased C-Sections. It's depressing.

What I would like to suggest is this. I'm thinking that if the docs are still so concerned about homebirth safety issues, that they do all they can to HELP midwives and parents have a safe one. Then they can concentrate on the women who actually WANT their services and try to provide them with good care....not the waiting for hours at each pre-natal appointment...not the insensitive care that I am hearing women talk about. Quit intervening and causing more problems. Hey...I know it gets scary being responsible for a life and that it's easier to live with yourself thinking that you did all you could do. But goshdarnit, if you can't deal with the ups and downs of birth, get the hell out and quit interfering with my daughters' choices.

picture from here

Find out more about pregnancy and giving birth online. Learn about the signs and symptoms of pregnancy all the way the how to avoid or treat post-partum depression, even nutrition facts for expectant mothers and much more.

Happy Mother's Day

There is a picture book I saw when I was in my early 20's. I don't remember it's title or author/photographer. The book started with a picture of a grandfather in his prime holding his diapered baby grandson in his arms. Each page in the book was a chronicle of both growing older. The boy grew older, taller, stronger. The Grandfather grew older, shorter, weaker. By the end of the book he was in a room alone, with a diaper on. The last pictures were of the grandson holding the diapered grandfather.

This book stays with me. It's about life.

On this Mother's Day, I have two daugthers who have let me know that I can count on them to make sure my diapers are changed when I am an old woman....and they were even sober when they made the promise. While neither has committed to doing the job full time themselves, they let me know that if I ever get to the point of needing that kind of care, they will be there for me.

I can think of no greater gift for a child to give a parent. I am blessed.

Heart by Ann Erpino.

More Letting Go.....

When Cass was young, her sisters would always tell me she was lying and making up stories. When I would listen to her I would always have these unbidden feelers go up. Something wasn't quite right here...was it a lie?.....what's going on here? I watched her, trying to figure it out. What I came up with was an intuitive hit that she wasn't lying....she just saw the world differently and so thought what she was saying was true. I tried to explain it to her sisters, but they weren't going for it. To this day, I don't know if she was or not.

But I have carried this with me. I hold on particularly because of a couple of incidents that supported my idea.

The most informative one was during a Christmas season. She was five and we were living in the country. Her sisters were at some function and we had to hang out around town waiting. Since we had time to kill, I asked her if she wanted to go to the mall so she could do her shopping for her sisters' presents. Her reply was that she didn't have her money with her so could we go get it. I said how about I just give her money to buy the presents for her sisters so she could save her money for something else. She told me she had forgotten her money...so please could we go get it? She didn't have it and needed it. I said I would give her money so she didn't need hers. We went back and forth like this until she got so distraught she started to cry.

I stopped the car, looked in her eyes, told her to breathe and listen with all her ears. I said it to her in another way, in a number of ways, very slowly explaining more and more that she didn't need her money...that I would give her $10 and she could buy the presents. Then when she got home, she could have the $5 she had there. She was silent for a minute then slowly her face started to change and she smiled.

There were other situations and stories that told me her brain processes things differently than most people. I have said repeatedly that if she is one of ten people in a room, nine people will hear roughly the same thing, but she will hear something different, then take it places internally that everyone would. I know my brain works differently than most, but our two are nowhere near each other.

Now at 19, in her womanhood, I still carry this idea about her processing with me and get concerned for her ability to operate in her world. She has proven that she can in so many ways that go way beyond what most have done by her age....so why do I worry? It influences how I act and respond with her. I keep being vigilant in ways I no longer need to be and that are getting in the way of her feeling her independence.

We had another incident the other day where I got nervous that she wasn't hearing things the way they were meant and that she may be jeopardizing her job. Specifically she is scheduled to work on Saturday night and is going out of town. When I said that it was nice she got it off..nice she had found a replacement, she said something that sounded odd to me. I have never heard of a system where when you want off, you just tell your fellow employees and they have to work it out. In my world you make sure it's covered, you tell the boss, you write it on the schedule or have something written down. But when I mentioned I had never heard of that, she got pissy and kindly asked me to not ask her questions anymore. I learned that when I ask, feels she has to "answer to me." I was happy to have the opportunity to remind her I have no investment in her doing anything for me. Ick. I just get concerned for her.

And I am learning. Even though her sisters wanted my gentle wisdom, my ideas, my experience, it doesn't means she does or has to. She's made it clear she wants none of it unless she asks for it. While she acknowledges and feels my questions are "sweet" (her words), for where she is right now, she would appreciate if I keep them to myself.

OK.

Eye of the Beholder taken from here

Rainbow eye (my name for it) from here.

Letting Go from here

Teens and Sex

Cass took a Sociology of Sexuality class in college last semester. This is interesting, I says to myself...what a pleasant surprise. At the beginning of the class, they were to write a paper on things that influenced their sexuality. Part of the paper was to talk about how their parents' views on sex impacted them. She asked me to proof her paper so I got to see a piece of how she sees herself.

She felt that she had an odd experience growing up because her parents came from totally opposite perspectives in the sexual realm. Her perception of us is that her father is a Christian and says that sex is only OK in marriage. Her mother (that would be me), on the other hand, will sleep anything with a hole or protuberance (animal, vegetable, mineral, human) walking down the street whether she knows them/it or not. That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but not much. I thought that really interesting.

Cass is somewhere in the middle of her perceptions of her parents. She says that she has to feel a strong connection with her partners, but she doesn't really need to be "in love." All things "Cass" are about balance. She wants, above all, to have that in her life. Gotta love her.

I was always very open with my girls, tried to support them having a healthy relationship with their bodies and sex. I suggested they wait until they felt safe, and to only participate if they wanted to. I offered to help them get birth control and condoms and told them they could be sexual in the house but this did not give their friends license to use my house for sex.

In their own ways they have each communicated to me in random conversations that they are very careful in their safe sex practices. I don't know if kids whose parents have a "just say no" policy are as careful...statistics and my experience would suggest not. I do know that visiting friends from the homes of the strictest parents were the ones I had to watch the closest. When their parents were not around they went nuts in an open, respectful, trusting environment. They could not handle the responsibility of their own bodies and all did very self-destructive things.

I could be, and initially was, afraid that my girls would be physically or emotionall hurt...that they might get pregnant or a fatal STD. But I trust that if young people are given the power to control their own lives and are given information they will use it wisely. Teens are far from stupid. They want to live, they want to succeed, they want to be happy. Even at the age of 13.


When a parent provides a controlling wall in the teen years, the wall and the parental construction and maintanance becomes the issue rather than the subject itself. If you tell a kid not to have sex, then you give them a cause, something to fight so that they can assert themselves and show themselves and the parent that they are independent. If you remove the artificial wall and replace it with unconditional love and a safe space for young people to get information, you make it their responsibility to make informed conscious decisions. They have nothing and no one outside of themselves to "blame," nothing to fight, no wall to butt up against. Life brings them their lessons from their choices. It's all about them, not the fight.

I understand that parents provide walls and try to control out of fear. I know it's hard to trust that our children will be guided and be OK. I understand it's one of the most difficult tasks in life to watch them go through something that is painful or may be dangerous for them. I know what it's like. I have been there, spending many nights crying, fretting, worrying for my girls who I
adore more than anything in the world. I want them safe. I want to protect them.

But the thing is...I can't. Because even when I do everything "right" I have no control whatsoever over another's life. When we try to control anyone we usually create that which we fear the most. So while finding a dildo might freak out many parents of an eighteen year old, it made me very happy when I found one in one of my girls' bedrooms. I would have been happy if she was fifteen. I am happy she and her sisters feel good in their bodies. Each chose a different route of expression, but I never hear any of them feeling hurt or shame or emotional damage. And in this day and age of mixed messages about sex (dress like a slut, but never "do it.") and the total confusion it gives kids, that's Big.

Divine Dancers by Henry Pellisier

The Virgin by Gustav Klimt

Moon Goddess Diana by Howard David Johnson

Children's Books by Barbara Berger

I am a bookaholic and spent lots of time in stores when my kids were young, trying to find books that touched me and that I would be willing to read over and over. To tell the truth, I look from time to time in bookstores these days I am not finding anything that matches what was around when my kids were little.

Barbara Berger never disappointed. All her books were among my kids' favorites. The texts are gentle, like a breath of soft air. The illustrations glow.

These are some of the ones we have:

Grandfather Twilight, above, is the story of a kind man who takes one pearl from a string every evening and walks through a magical forest to the sea, the pearl growing with every step.

When the Sun Rose is a sweet story of imaginary friends who meet in a secret playhouse.

Gwinna is a book for older kids and talks about transformation and being proud of who you are.

The Donkey's Dream is a beautiful retelling of the Nativity.

And Animalia is an exquisite book for kids mid-aged. It has a number of one page vingettes on the special magical relationship that is possible between humans and animals. This was one of Morgan's all time favorites and one she still refers to today.

All images from Barbara Helen Berger's site.

They can be purchased from Amazon.

The G Word

Christmas five years ago, my oldest daughter, Starla and I were in the kitchen. She looked at me and earnestly said: "Mom, I want you to start getting ready and preparing yourself emotionally because Kevin and I want to have a baby."

She knew I was going to have a difficult time identifying myself as "grandmother." Back then, I was subracting a year from my age every birthday. My kids got so used to it, they have no idea how old I am today.

One thing was sure, though, I didn't want to be hearing "Grandma" or any other other G words every day. The closest one that might possibly have worked was Grandee, which I guess is the Brit form. But my mom had used that one and I got superstitious about it (she died). We settled on Nona. Yes, it's the Italian word for Grandmother, but I don't speak the language it doesn't have the same associations for me.

So two years after that conversation in the kitchen, I was two years younger. On my birthday that year, I got to help Kailyb birth. I was the first person to touch his head (from the outside). He was born in my house on my bed and we've been tremendously bonded ever since.

Today, Kailyb is three and half (unlike me, he gets older every year). This morning we got to do our every Saturday ritual of Starla, he and I going to the Farmer's Market then getting coffee. Well, actually he gets pastry and water, we get coffee. Today after that all important food/drink portion of our ritual, Starla decided she wanted a 10 minute shoulder massage. I was happy to sit with Kailyb and hold him while she did.

I gave him butterfly kisses all over his sweet little neck and got to listen to him giggle, watch him close his eyes to feel. We were sitting in the sun, it's a glorious day and I really can't say that I could be any more blessed than to have been gifted with being a Grandmother.

Butterfly image from Wetcurcuit

Telling The Kids About The Divorce

Like most couples, my ex and I had a difficult time coming to our decision to divorce because of having kids. Breaking up a family is not an easy thing to do and I don't know anyone who has done so lightly.

I have no idea what works for other families. In our case, we weren't loudly screaming at each other 24/7. But the relationship had died and there was constant and consistent tension. We were miserable. We were on different paths and couldn't find a way to walk side by side. We had no common tools, no reference point for bridging the gap that years of distance had created. Even though we were getting along better a the time of our decision than we had in years, we were done.

At the point of decision, we were in accord. But how to tell the kids? And when? We knew we wanted to wait until summer vacation so that they would have time to adjust without having school considerations. It was March when we decided to divorce. That left three months. Patrick wanted to wait to tell them. I didn't. I couldn't walk around with the knowledge I had and not tell them about something that would rock their world so completely. I agreed to wait, but after a few days could no longer look them in the eyes and feel clear with them. I forced the issue with him and told him I would tell them.

We did it after dinner one night. It wasn't easy. We told them we both loved them and would not abandon them. The major consideration for them, as I remember it, was Christmas. How would we do Christmas? Patrick and I agreed to celebrate it as a family, no matter what. This helped them in the moment.

Although the three months were not always easy it was pretty clear from the beginning that it was a very good thing for the kids that we did it this way. We had time to grieve as a family. We did lots of things together, talked to them lots about what the changes would be and the implications of all of it. We got to cry together. They had time to process and sift and sort, to prepare themselves mentally for what was to come and do it in an environment of support from both mom and dad. This is not to say that we made no mistakes. But overall, I think it helped them tremendously.

And they've given me feedback a number of times that they appreciate the way it was handled. It's always so funny to get feedback from them about their perceptions of their childhoods. They had no idea we were having problems to the degree we were. They knew we fought from time to time, but they had no clue as to the tension and disharmony that existed between us. For this, I am also thankful.

Times got weird after the actual split up. I won't go into that now, will save it for another post. But suffice it to say, while not easy in the moment, there are ways to lessen the pain and trauma of divorce. Now that they are grown, they thank me for getting the divorce. They admit that it wasn't easy, but that it was a good thing for them, too. They just ask me why we stayed together so long.

Photo and Art Credits:

Different Paths Photo from here

Divorce Art from Salon

Holding Hands picture from here

Information:

If you are researching your own family's past there are hundreds of websites created to help your genealogical search. With millions of public records available you can find birth and death certificates and marriage and divorce records that can help you re-trace your history.

When Your Kids Won't Eat Spinach

Really truly they will like this. I won't say I promise, but I will say that most anyone in the world loves this. It's devoured at potlucks by kids of all ages...even ones that don't like veggies. When I made this for my family, I always made a huge tray....the kids ate most of it. Even though they are grown, they always fight for more when I fix it these days. When Starla was about 3, she ate half of the tray all by herself. And now her son follows in her footsteps. It's that good.

3 eggs
6TB of flour. I often use gluten free or rice/oat mix.
A couple of pounds of washed spinach
1 1/2c cottage cheese (small curd is best)
Cheddar cheese....I use about two cups
Wheat germ (optional)
Tamari/Soy Sauce (if you are gluten free, be sure to check if it's wheat free)

Great for a food processor. Chop up spinach. You will have to do this in batches. When done chopping, put eggs and flour in then whiz until blended. Add cottage cheese, but only spin until it is mixed (about two seconds) because you don't want the cheese to get chopped, too. Put in spinach again and mix. Turn into a bowl. Then shred the cheese in the processor. Mix about 2/3 of it with the spinach mix. Put in dish pan 9"x 14." Put on remainging cheese. Top with wheat germ if you want a crustier top. Bake at 350. Check at 45 minutes, but it will probably take longer. It's done when it's golden brown on top and the middle is set. Sprinkle as desired with Soy Sauce at the table.

Oh boy...yum...see kids scarf. And they don't even know it's healthy. Protein, vitamins don't matter cuz it's just plain good.

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