Wellll....

I've always said I should get a government grant to study the obvious: breastfeeding's good for kids, sugar and fake sugar aren't. If your child has repeat ear infections, perhaps you might want to look at food allergies instead of antibiotics.

And now here's another Captain Obvious one. It appears that now it's true that having kids puts a strain on a relationship. Now we know that. Finally.

Geez.....


Here's the article in case it goes away:

livescience.com – Wed Apr 8, 3:20 pm ET

Parents all know that children make it harder to do some of the most enjoyable adult things. Bluntly put, kids can get between you.

Now scientists have attached some numbers to the situation.

An eight-year study of 218 couples found 90 percent experienced a decrease in marital satisfaction once the first child was born.

"Couples who do not have children also show diminished marital quality over time," says Scott Stanley, research professor of psychology at University of Denver. "However, having a baby accelerates the deterioration, especially seen during periods of adjustment right after the birth of a child."

An unrelated study in 2006 of 13,000 people found parents are more depressed than non-parents. Scientists speculate that the problem is partly a modern one, because parents don't get as much help at home as they did in previous generations.

There are key variables to note in the new study.

Couples who lived together before marriage experienced more problems after the birth of a child than those who lived separately before marriage, as did those whose parents fought or divorced.

However, some couples said their relationships were stronger post-birth. They tended to have been married longer or had higher incomes.

Children don't ruin everything, Stanley points out.

"There are different types of happiness in life and that while some luster may be off marital happiness for at least a time during this period of life, there is a whole dimension of family happiness and contentment based on the family that couples are building," he said. "This type of happiness can be powerful and positive but it has not been the focus of research."

The new research, funded by a grant to the University of Denver from the National Institutes of Health, is detailed in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology

LiveScience Staff

LiveScience.com livescience Staff

Long Time No Tap

It's been a very way long time.

I have two other blogs where I regularly write, and I kinda lost interest for awhile here.

But a funny thing has happened...

This is the blog that I've gotten requests for advertising. These are the types of articles that have risen to the top of portals where I've registered.

I hear there is a mini baby boom going on...a "boomlette."

So maybe there are more folks out there than before looking for other voices and perspectives on parenting, grandmothering and family life than most of what's out there.

I do have a different look on parenting.

I'm thinking I'll pick up writing again.

Family Dynamics

I suppose every family has their version of them. When Morgan was born, she and Starla got along well, or at least tolerably well. That is until Morgan woke up around age seven or so and stopped doing what Starla wanted her to. The antagonism between Morgan and Cass started when Cass was one day old. Morgan sweetly sat on the couch all propped so she would be able to safely hold Cass. The minute Cass hit Morgan's lap she started to scream. That's pretty much explains what it's been since then. Morgan bugs Cass.

It's so funny....if Morgan and Starla are together, everyone is fine. If Starla and Cass are together, everyone is fine. If all four of us are together, we immediately revert into this weird sort of charicature of our worst, most dysfunctional traits. What is THAT all about?

It helps that Morgan and Cass only see each other twice a year or so now. It can actually go a few days before they twitch out and we all start the pattern, which looks like this:

Morgan is Emotional DramaQueen, emoting and flipping out in contrast to

Cass as Miss Cool, Detached, Disgusted, Aloof, Brat

Starla is uninvolved "Oh, no, here we go again, can't you guys get it together?"

And I'm "Let's be butterflies and why can't we just be a happy family" sort of care-taker and trying to always soothe feathers.

On one outing (in which, I might add I was footing the bill for a very expensive family adventure) we stopped in the middle of it and talked about it. It helped a little in that the adventure wasn't totally dismal, but it was sad that we had to go into our archetypal dramas. Sigh.

I do really think the patterns is changing, if last Christmas is any indicator. Morgan and Cass did fight, but they never did it around me and they reported it in very even tones. They were able to get past it the two times they did fight, actually be at the same table for a friendly meal, without seething....or they did Oscar level performances and I didn't notice. No one ran into a bedroom, slamming the door. No one yelled at me for taking sides (because they both would accuse me of taking sides simultaneously, go figure.) I've even heard that Cass included Morgan as a friend on her MySpace page. So...who knows what the future will bring.

I heard this happened, I never believed it would here so now I am truly a believer in the power of patience and trusting that all will be well.

Beheaded sibling from here
Sparkly Rainbow from here

Commercial Breaktime!!

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Don't You Love It When

....the daughter who, three years ago, was telling you she is entitled to:

A cell phone with unlimited texting and minutes

A computer with scanner/copier and all the CD's she wants to burn

An MP3 player

A car of her choice

All the clothes she wants

...is now a politically active, culturally aware almost twenty year old who is paring down to live a simple life? No more car. Simple cell phone plan. Buys organic. Reads politically leftist subversive books. Takes a stand on gender, peace, cultural, racist issues.

Wow.

Trust me, if this conversion can happen anything is possible. Just another miracle we get to observe as we watch them transform and transmute.

Rainbow picture taken from here

Angel from here

Telling The Kids About Drugs

Controversial topic, I know. Abuse of them can lead to all sorts of lifelong problems, throwing people into places that are very difficult to extricate themselves from.

All three of my girls experimented with drugs in their teens: alcohol, pot, LSD, crack or crank (don't remember which one), mushrooms. Probably ecstasy. I'm not sure, but I don't think they've done heroin or angel dust.

I am here to report they did not die, none of them does drugs regularly now. I don't get that any of them did as many drugs as I did when their age. Although Morgan did quite a few for awhile, none of them has become addicted to anything, all have experimented and are pretty done with them for the most part, barring occasional pot with two of them and some drinking from time to time as partying folk do. But even that has slowed down. As Morgan and I were saying one time...partying can be a cultural a rite of passage of sorts these days. It's "cute" to end up puking when you're 19. At 22 it's less attractive. By 28 eyebrows are raised. If you're 32 and still doing the sloppy drunk, you're a loser. By 40, it's just disgusting.

In our small community a group of us went through parenthood together, with kids as peers. Some kids went through these stages with a bit more struggle than others. I remember discussions with a few parents on the topic. Opinion was mixed as to how to handle things...whether to tell the kids about our personal involvement with drugs in our pasts (or present for some).

I stood, and continue to stand on the side of honesty--trusting that my kids are smart and want to be whole. I took drugs when I was young. Lots of pot, hash, LSD, mesacline, THC in pill form, tons of speed, cocaine once, angel dust once. Although I was mostly done with them by my early 20's, much of my sophmore through senior years were spent high on one drug or another. As time went on, I was starting to feel more and more nauseous when I smoked pot. After a previous seven year hiatus, the last time I smoked it was when I was 31. I got violently ill for days (I do everything backwards....most people smoke pot to stop nausea, I get it from smoking).

I told my kids my history because I think my words carry more weight than someone who has never had drugs. One of the reasons I was so open to so many drugs was due to my curious nature, and my need to rebel against the loving control my parents provided me. I didn't want my kids to feel that control and have that need to take back their lives in unhealthy ways. One of the things that really upset me was all the drug education they gave us in school. We were told that if we smoked pot, then we would automatically kill ourselves because it ALWAYS straightlined to heroin addiction. As a kid, this made me lose complete respect for the programs. I thought them stupid and bunk. My kids had the D.A.R.E program in school. A few years after one had the program, the officer who led it was arrested for drug use. What do we think this stuff does to kids? This officer and we are only human, I know, but to be hypocritical causes more problems than telling the truth. I knew drugs. I wan't unreasonable about them, I used them, I liked them, I didn't get addicted so no misleading horror story there. I saw them for what they were and rejected them.

What I told my kids, pretty much verbatum, is this:

There is a reason people take drugs. It's because they feel good. I'm not going to lie...they do feel really good and are really fun.

But they Lie. They are not real and they make you think everything inside you is OK but it's NOT OK. You loose the ability to function like a human being. Everyone around you can see you are out there, but you think you are functioning. This is the lie. I've watched people from my generation take tons of drugs and I can tell you from first hand observation, that the ones who took lots and continue to take them stop their emotional development and their ability to function well in society. All the ones I know who smoke pot every day are emotionally stuck back when they first started smoking. Do you want to be 40 years old with the emotional capacity of a 16 year old? There is a REASON I don't do drugs any more, even though they feel good. I don't because of this lie. Although I would prefer you don't do them, I figure you may take drugs to experiment. Again..not the best choice and one I hope you don't make, but you are going to have to learn to be responsible for yourself. But know this: if you go over the edge, I will be so in your face you won't know what hit you.

Many of the parents didn't like my approach, feeling like admitting the truth "gave permission" to take drugs. These same parents smoked when they were young, some still smoke. I look at their kids now. Many of the kids whose parents chose to lie to "protect"them are now pretty heavy drug users.

Feedback from my kids about feeling like my telling them my history gave them permission was mixed. None of them took it that I was giving them permission, but Cass said she could see that other kids might see it that way. I'm not sure what the answer is there and cannot begin to give "advice" to other parents. I'm happy to hear we are in a current trend of less drug use with teens. As trends tend to go in cycles, I'm not sure what the future holds.

I'm not sure how to bring a kid back from excess, not sure how they get there. I had a general parenting style of keeping a watchful eye, while pretty much putting my kids lives in their ball court. This style was consistent throughout their lives. I don't know how certain kids end up taking too many drugs and others don't. I don't know why my kids never ended up as material for a Jerry Springer show.

I wanted my girls to learn to police themselves because they have to do this their whole lives. This training has to start when they are young. No one can go from having their whole life controlled to being able to make decisions. We all have to go through trial and error periods. No adult functions if they are constantly looking to their parents (bosses, pundits, etc) to make all their moral decisions for them. The teen times are a time of learning what it is to be an adult. Sometimes in the learning we fall off the path to find our way back. If kids feel loved, respected, and have developed even a modicum of self esteem, they can go through periods that may look scary (and are to a parent) but then they come around once they have played out the curiosity. I can say with full certainty: if a child wants to experiment with drugs they will, no matter what a parent does or says. Yes, we can and do influence them, but in the end we cannot ultimately control them. It's not our life. It's theirs.

Informative Commercial Break-

If your child has an addiction they may require detox before they can become healthy again. If you suspect your child might be using drugs, look for some of the common signs like depression. Find out more about how to spot, and treat a drug addiction online.

Drugs from here

LSD Trip from here

South Park image from here

Eyeball image from here

Wizard of Oz as Hero's Journey from here

Telling The Kids About The Divorce

Like most couples, my ex and I had a difficult time coming to our decision to divorce because of having kids. Breaking up a family is not an easy thing to do and I don't know anyone who has done so lightly.

I have no idea what works for other families. In our case, we weren't loudly screaming at each other 24/7. But the relationship had died and there was constant and consistent tension. We were miserable. We were on different paths and couldn't find a way to walk side by side. We had no common tools, no reference point for bridging the gap that years of distance had created. Even though we were getting along better a the time of our decision than we had in years, we were done.

At the point of decision, we were in accord. But how to tell the kids? And when? We knew we wanted to wait until summer vacation so that they would have time to adjust without having school considerations. It was March when we decided to divorce. That left three months. Patrick wanted to wait to tell them. I didn't. I couldn't walk around with the knowledge I had and not tell them about something that would rock their world so completely. I agreed to wait, but after a few days could no longer look them in the eyes and feel clear with them. I forced the issue with him and told him I would tell them.

We did it after dinner one night. It wasn't easy. We told them we both loved them and would not abandon them. The major consideration for them, as I remember it, was Christmas. How would we do Christmas? Patrick and I agreed to celebrate it as a family, no matter what. This helped them in the moment.

Although the three months were not always easy it was pretty clear from the beginning that it was a very good thing for the kids that we did it this way. We had time to grieve as a family. We did lots of things together, talked to them lots about what the changes would be and the implications of all of it. We got to cry together. They had time to process and sift and sort, to prepare themselves mentally for what was to come and do it in an environment of support from both mom and dad. This is not to say that we made no mistakes. But overall, I think it helped them tremendously.

And they've given me feedback a number of times that they appreciate the way it was handled. It's always so funny to get feedback from them about their perceptions of their childhoods. They had no idea we were having problems to the degree we were. They knew we fought from time to time, but they had no clue as to the tension and disharmony that existed between us. For this, I am also thankful.

Times got weird after the actual split up. I won't go into that now, will save it for another post. But suffice it to say, while not easy in the moment, there are ways to lessen the pain and trauma of divorce. Now that they are grown, they thank me for getting the divorce. They admit that it wasn't easy, but that it was a good thing for them, too. They just ask me why we stayed together so long.

Photo and Art Credits:

Different Paths Photo from here

Divorce Art from Salon

Holding Hands picture from here

Information:

If you are researching your own family's past there are hundreds of websites created to help your genealogical search. With millions of public records available you can find birth and death certificates and marriage and divorce records that can help you re-trace your history.

Cass

Two days ago, my youngest daughter, Cass, told me she signed a lease for an apartment. She's moving out in July.

Finally.

I love her. I also like the person she has become. And of the three girls, she and I have the most strained relationship. I am used to being adored. Cass does not adore me. In fact, she's pretty critical both overtly and subtley. We talk about it and she does not know where her expectations of me come from.

I keep wondering if she/we will outgrow it. I keep wondering if we will be able to overcome our mutual wariness of each other. I get whisperings of it, and then this week she is aloof again, distant. She hears everything coming out my mouth as criticism. I get tired of her putting me down. The other two girls are constantly telling us we're weird together, that we have issues. It's true.

I admire Cass. When she was 17, she finished Homeschool early and didn't know what to do with her life. She took a few weeks moping, then one day when I was out of town, she called and said that her dad had suggested she be an au pair. She told me she had gone online, posted an ad with a few services and had a family who wanted her to start in Germany. She was gone in a month.

I was so impressed with her bravery. She didn't understand why, even when I told her most adults wouldn't do what she was doing alone- first job, first time moving out, living in a different culture where she didn't speak the language, moving in with people she didn't know. Pretty scary.

And once she got there, she understood. She struggled there trying to fit in and had a difficult time with the Mom. She quit and moved out within about six months because she was miserable after trying her best to make it go well. Actually, that time of her life was the one we were the closest. She needed me then and needed my daily calls to keep hold of herself. She would whine if I needed to get off the phone before an hour was up. She clung to the connection and the safety of home. It was sweet.

I've been reading Mommie blogs these last few days and it's made me think lots about when my kids were smaller. I am reminded of the tremendous amount of physical and emotional work it takes to raise a child, much less multiples. I remember back to when they were little and see how some aspects of their personalities have remained the same. And as they grow there are constant new little pieces of "them" that come out of the woodwork to surprise and thrill me.

I think she'll do fine. She is developing a social awareness that is seeping into our relationship a bit. She's had a sense of entitlement that has been at the core of much of our dynamic. But her eyes are opening, I think, to the Blessings that she has been afforded.

I'm excited that she is taking this step. Excited for her and for me. I am ready to move on from being a custodial Mom. The role of Mom will never leave, but it is different when the kids move out. I know that she is afraid of being able to "make it," but I have confidence she'll do well.