So Sad

A man I used to date called last night. He and I had a very short relationship about 10 years ago. We didn't stay together nearly as long as his kids and I did.

When we met, I felt a connection one of his older daughters. She ended up pregnant and in an unhappy relationship. Her apartment wasn't that far from my home. As she was miserable, I invited her and her baby to live with me. They stayed for about six months. Then her younger sister started hanging out lots at our house, befriending my youngest daughter, even though they were a few years apart. She ended up spending lots of time with us, too, although never fully moving in. Both girls ended up ultimately using me, but, truth is, I knew this was a possibility before taking them into my family and heart. People who have no inner structure have nothing to share outside them.

One of the reasons I tried to be there for the kids was because I could see they were all lost souls due to really sad, neglectful parenting on both parents' parts. The Dad is an alcoholic, the Mom an ex drug addict and now born again Christian. Neither had the skills to parent or give the message to their kids that they were unconditionally loved.

The man and I hadn't talked in over a year so we had lots of catching up to do. My kids are doing great- all are happy and on their way. None of his are thriving, only one will have much of anything to do with him. The eldest that lived with me is probably doing the best in life, but won't talk to him. The son is not doing too well. Sad Dad's remark?: "well, Pamm, you sure did something right because you've always had great kids, they still want to talk to you and are doing well."

People say that to me lots. I have always deflected, truly believing that I can't take credit for how great they are, that all I did was get out of the way.

I do know this- Kids are tremendously forgiving. But they need to feel unconditionally loved. Not 24/7, but ultimately they have to be shown there is someone there to support them no matter what. Not only when they're little, but also in high school and when they're grown. Someone, somewhere on the planet has to have their back so they feel internally safe.

I feel so blessed mine have that. He was so very sad about what he has unconsciously created. I would hate to have to live with myself in that way. Tragic. I talk about this lots because it's so very very important, the key, I think, to growing healthy kids.

image from here

My Love For You Is Big

Last night at dinner I got to sit next to my grandson, Kailyb. We talked about lots of stuff- his toys, what he wants to do at pre-school, life in the eye of a three year old. At one point I looked at him and told him I loved him sooooo much...that my love for him was bigger than the sky. He looked at me and said "yup, Mom, too."

So I looked at my daughter, Starla and smiled, asking if she said that to him. She smiled back and said, "Yes, many times." It was one of those moments that are so sweet as parent, the times where you get to look into the eyes of your grown child and re-discover the things that your kids took to heart and incorporated in themselves. Where you get to know that you did, indeed, do something right.

Because this is what I used to tell her. Many times.

Now that I'm on the other side of the teens, I understand even more how important it is for kids to grow up knowing that somewhere someone loves them unconditionally. I knew it was my primary job when they were little, and I've seen it reinforced hundreds of times over the years. We, as humans need this. The only way we get it so that it becomes a part of our deepest beings is for it to be learned when we are very young.

So when they were young, I made it a point to tell them over and over again that I loved them bigger than the sky. That when they were at school, when they were playing, no matter where they were that if they were feeling bad, to just look up at the sky and remember me and that I loved them bigger, WAY bigger than that.

I guess it worked.