Who's In Control??

I know that we, as parents, have to assume a position of authority. Our kids like to have the security of feeling that someone is in control. I have been blessed with kids who had their moments of challenge, but none of my kids has never gone off the deep end. None of them got so unruly or disrespectful that they got lost and out of control.

The experts might look at this and say that it was because of the way I disciplined them. Could be. I have my opinions about how to get kids to the point where they listen, especially when young (talked about here). It could be that by raising them the way I did, that they learned how to behave, got a sense of themselves, and didn't act out too much. But those same "experts" wouldn't agree with my parenting style...in fact the way I parented was quite contrary to most of what they suggest to parents to avoid the behavior they are trying to prevent.

After watching lots of kids and parents, I do notice certain styles that tend to result in more beneficial parent/kid relationships. But in the end, I have to say, that nothing that I've seen predetermines where a kid will end up. After watching kids and how their parents handled them, I discovered a secret. Now...even though I figured this out pretty early on, I never let on to my kids until they were much older. Why crack the illusion and make things harder for everyone? I think it vital to continue the status quo mindset.

SSSsssssssh.....be sure not to tell them...but....it's really the kids that are in control.

Why do I say that? Because we, as parents, can decide to punish. We can have time outs, spankings, talkings to, groundings, taking away priveleges, the whole thing. But if the kid doesn't decide to obey, doesn't decide that the consequences are enough to stop what they're going, it means nada. Ask any parent who's kid is out of control.

Scary isn't it?

Image from here

This post was featured in the Carnival Of Family Life

Seeing

I am remembering a time with Morgan. She was a junior in high school (wow..not that long ago, really). She was taking way too many classes, was working and volunteering. All this means she was way over extended. Stress was the order of the day.

And as such, as in all living situations where we feel safe enough to be mean, she was being a major bitch most of the time.

One day, I remember being at her bedroom door. For whatever reason, she was having a teen temper tantrum. Immediately I felt my walls go up. I started to engage. Then I looked at my baby. I went inside her to what was underneath the yelling. I flashed on what I feel like when I feel what she was acting out.

I breathed, I looked at her and I asked: "Do you need a hug?"

Stop.

She catches her breath, looks shocked, her eyes burning into mine. I see her body twitch, her face contort as she breaks into sobs. I held her for a long long time until she was done.

I wish I could remember the power of seeing deeper in every situation where people are acting in ways that scream pain.

image borrowed from Theoloblog

Breakfast With Cass

We don't hang out much. Even though she still lives at home, we have our separate lives. She's a busy college student, I am focused on work. Plus, we have our dynamic that gets in the way.

We had it again at breakfast. For the most part, we just talked, laughed and had a good time. At one point it almost slipped over the edge, but we caught our dynamic at work, changed the subject in enough time to let it go. I wish it wasn't there. Darnit..it shows up when I least expect it and it catches me off guard. Whenever I don't agree with her or have any sort of suggestion or difference in viewpoints, she sees it me criticizing her. As I'm just talking like I would with anyone else, I don't guard myself for her reaction. I step into it more than I want to. I lose my inner balance with her in ways that are unique to our relationship- this dynamic doesn't exist with anyone else on the planet.

"How is school going?"

"Fine. I am going to have to apply for financial aid again soon so just wanted to warn you."

"Oh, really? Wow...that's interesting. From what I understand, you apply by March 2 in California for the school year. But, OK."

"We have to apply then and then again for the next year."

"Huh? Well...ok..but that wasn't the way it was when I was in school ten years ago and then with Morgan for the past few years. But, ok."

"Well I guess all my counselors are wrong then, Mom, as they all said the same thing." (said with much agitation and sarcasm)

"OK...maybe things have changed."

This same interaction with anyone else wouldn't have had the energy, the anger behind it that she felt with me.

How is it that we change long term patterns with people we're in relationship with? It's an issue with marriage partners, friends and children. I know the steps, and it takes two. I feel we're getting better. Maybe all it takes is time, patience and being conscious that it exists. If we want it to change then I believe it will. I just wish it didn't exist. I keep wondering what happened that she feel so wounded in this way to feel so defensive with me. I wonder why much of what she says to me hurts. This dynamic doesn't exist with the other girls.

It kind of reminds me of my family situation. Our experience of our parents is so different that my sister and I have decided we were raised by a different set of parents. I came to terms long ago that much of what I thought were the my parents problems had lots more to do with me and the fact that they were learning (I am the oldest). I don't have that luxury with Cass, though. I was well versed in the parenting department when she came along. Or should have been.

I don't think that parenting styles is the only thing at work in how we influence our childrens' lives. Whatever we do, whatever we say has to go throught their unique filter and be interepreted and incorporated by them. We have no say, no control in this. Families are all just living together working with who and what we are.

Art:
Maternity, Nature and Peace by Sunol Alvar

Backstory: Conflicting Spiritual Paths

I have always led a very spiritual life. At age 5 or 6, I felt called to be a Nun. I remember feeling transported in Church. By the age of 11, I began to question the Catholic church, but kept my deep Spiritual nature. By fourteen I was reading about Hitler and the Holocaust, the history of the Christian Church, and Eastern religions.

My strong interest in spirituality led me to studying it in college, both when right out of high school as a minor then after returning to college in later life to finish my degree. My BA is in Religious Studies. My journey has been long and circuitous, always following my inner knowing and experience. I've ended up with a personal spirtuality based primarily in Mysticism and the body.

My ex grew up in a Protestant household that did not have a strong connection to Spirit or religion. He had no interest there. When we got together at our very young ages of 20 and 21, here I was on this intensely spiritual Path and there he was, kind of...not. We got pregnant without planning. It hit him much harder than it did me. While neither one of us was ready for the responsibility of a child, he REALLY wasn't ready. About a year and a half after she was born, I started to be a midwife, he graduated from college and was faced with himself and the life he had created.

He had to find a job. I think he felt in the middle of a huge existential crisis. He was washing windows and doing janitorial work. one woman took a liking to him and gave him a "track." He read it. One night while driving from one job to another, he told me he had a vision. That vision told him to become a Christian. He felt "saved."

This was not good news for who I was at the time. I had been studying radical feminist thought and had felt drawn to the Earth Based traditions, one of which was Wicca, the Irish form of paganism generally referred to today as "Witchcraft." It's a Path that honors the Earth and sees everything infused with Spirit.

He saw me as "worshiping the Devil." I saw him as "The Patriarchy," the cause of everything evil on the planet: misogeny, raping of the Earth, environmental decay, immoral government built on greed, child pornography, war, politically based famine.

The two Paths did not mix well.