So Sad

A man I used to date called last night. He and I had a very short relationship about 10 years ago. We didn't stay together nearly as long as his kids and I did.

When we met, I felt a connection one of his older daughters. She ended up pregnant and in an unhappy relationship. Her apartment wasn't that far from my home. As she was miserable, I invited her and her baby to live with me. They stayed for about six months. Then her younger sister started hanging out lots at our house, befriending my youngest daughter, even though they were a few years apart. She ended up spending lots of time with us, too, although never fully moving in. Both girls ended up ultimately using me, but, truth is, I knew this was a possibility before taking them into my family and heart. People who have no inner structure have nothing to share outside them.

One of the reasons I tried to be there for the kids was because I could see they were all lost souls due to really sad, neglectful parenting on both parents' parts. The Dad is an alcoholic, the Mom an ex drug addict and now born again Christian. Neither had the skills to parent or give the message to their kids that they were unconditionally loved.

The man and I hadn't talked in over a year so we had lots of catching up to do. My kids are doing great- all are happy and on their way. None of his are thriving, only one will have much of anything to do with him. The eldest that lived with me is probably doing the best in life, but won't talk to him. The son is not doing too well. Sad Dad's remark?: "well, Pamm, you sure did something right because you've always had great kids, they still want to talk to you and are doing well."

People say that to me lots. I have always deflected, truly believing that I can't take credit for how great they are, that all I did was get out of the way.

I do know this- Kids are tremendously forgiving. But they need to feel unconditionally loved. Not 24/7, but ultimately they have to be shown there is someone there to support them no matter what. Not only when they're little, but also in high school and when they're grown. Someone, somewhere on the planet has to have their back so they feel internally safe.

I feel so blessed mine have that. He was so very sad about what he has unconsciously created. I would hate to have to live with myself in that way. Tragic. I talk about this lots because it's so very very important, the key, I think, to growing healthy kids.

image from here

Deliver Us From Evil

It must be a sign of the times in Hollywood that I can't find too many good films to watch when I go to the video store. I end up getting odd documentaries on Religion and kids. The last one was about Jesus Camp, this round it was a film about the Roman Catholic Church pedophilia crisis. The film is called "Deliver Us From Evil."

I was raised a Catholic, went to Catholic school until fourth grade. Until the age if eight or so, I was sure I was going to be a nun. Although I left the Church in my teens, I have no animosity toward it. In fact, I appreciate that I grew up one as in the 60's it was the only religion in the Midwest that I knew of that had a highly developed ritual component and some recognition of the feminine in it.

Sexuality and Spirituality are the two topics I spend most of my mind pondering. Where and how the two interesect are my greatest areas of interest and academic study. My BA is in Religious Studies and I have lots of training in wholistic approaches to Sexuality. While the issue pushes my buttons, I also have a great deal of compassion for those who are sexually attracted to children. I understand that sexual fantasies can be violent, dark, and go places that society would deem deviant, bad, evil, etc. I also understand that most humans get these urges in one way or another. Feelings and thoughts are very difficult things to control. They come unbidden and oftentimes are unwanted. They can produce shame and guilt, sometimes torturing the individual as they try to find internal balance between the person they want to be and these dark thoughts.

We can't always control out thoughts. But we can control our actions. This is the line I wish to draw in this issue. It's not that I want priests to eternally burn in hell for their urges. I just want them to stop molesting children. And I want the Church to admit that they handled this incorrectly, to apologize to the people who's lives have been ruined by being abandoned by their Spiritual Teachers and the institution they support emotionally and financially.

I knew this was big, I had read articles here and there, been appalled, made my jokes about it, felt my anger, all that stuff. But it always hits home harder when you see the faces, hear their stories, listen to their cries of anguish at loosing trust in humanity and God. Things in particular that were new to me:

-The pope, when he was Cardinal Ratzinger was the highest official in charge of this issue. At the end of the day, he is responsible for the way the Church is treating the abused kids and their families. This is the peer the Cardinals chose to be the leader, the Line from St. Peter, the highest authority. The man who abandoned the most helpless of his "flock." And the crime was not only that of sexual predation, it's compounded by the role of the perpetrator. If a priest is the messenger and holder of the Faith here on Earth, holding a position of God to a child, this child then gets to try and heal, as best they can, that they were raped by God.

- That the Church strikes deals with the priests and financially supports them after they get out of jail. It works deals with DA's so that sentences are reduced, then when the offender is out of jail, takes no responsibility for the community that the felon is released into. The one priest showcased in the film, Oliver O' Grady, only spent seven years in prison, then was released into a community filled with children in Ireland. No authorities were notified of his conviction and prison stay. I found this appalling.

- That in California alone, there are over 650 of these cases being investigated and tried. Estimates are that only 20% of all victims report this form of abuse. One seminary had 10% of its graduating priests arrested as pedophiles. O'Grady is thought to have abused hundreds of children, some as young as under one year old. It's often difficult to guage what's going on inside someone just by their outward demeanor, especially when they are being filmed. But I sensed very little true remorse in the man....or even a real understanding of gravity of what he had done. There were times when they showed him writing letters of apology to the children. The majority of the letters were about him. His experience, where he was today, how he felt.

-Not only the children, but whole families were emotionally annhilated. Imagine a father's anguish, hearing that the priest who he and his wife had taken into their family, treated him as one of their own--a man of God in a Church he trusted. Then to find out that this trust had been so terribly violated by harming the person that they were sworn to protect. And then discover that the reason your daughter didn't tell you is because you said you would kill anyone who harmed her, and her friend told her that if someone kills someone they have to go to jail for life. I cannot imaging the pain.

I would imagine that there's really very little I can share here that is new on this. But I want to add my voice to others who wonder how it is that a church heirarchy that assigns itself the right to dictate the sex lives of literally millions of consenting adults, cannot tend to its employees/ representatives do behind closed doors. Things happen. I don't hear the abused people wanting anything more than an acknowledgement of what happened, help paying for their therapy, and, most important, the knowledge that practices and policies that allow this to continue will stop. I get that above all, they want to ensure that future children can be allowed to practice their faith and pray to their God safely and without the fear that they will be raped.

Pictures:

movie poster from here

Oliver O'Grady free to roam the streets in Ireland from here

Monsignor Cain, O'Grady, Cardinal Mahoney combined still from depositions from here .

In his deposition, Monsignor Cain said that one of the reasons that Grady was not more closely watched at first was because his first reported abuse was with a girl. That wasn't considered perverse enough to warrant action.

Family Eats

I became a vegetarian at age 17 then married a meat eater. I was also into holistic stuff when we got together, very tuned into nutrition and all that stuff from my midwifery. As the years went on, I got kind of obnoxious about the kids' diets. They hardly ever got sugar. They only had 100% real juice in their school lunchs, homemade fruit rolls made with honey for dessert, whole wheat bread only, carrot sticks. They ate real foods, pretty devoid of chemicals, additives, dyes and crap.

They didn't really complain (much) at first. I would feed them all sorts of complex vegetarian culinary masterpieces. I learned over time that kids prefer simple foods.

As time went on and they were increasingly introduced to the world outside our family, the arguments began. It got to the point that the only real tension we had was around sugar and junk food consumption. It occurred to me that I was setting up an unconscious pattern with food for them that had the potential to affect their lives. Good job, Mom. I decided it was time to stop.

One Saturday I took the plunge and got them donuts. Once they scraped their chins off the floor in astonishment, they were ecstatic. All donuts were devoured. Quickly.

I started to cook more meat for all of them and actually got pretty good at chicken dishes. It got weird having to always cook two meals- one for me and one for the rest of the family. It didn't take too long to figure out that we could all do the same side dishes, but then I would cook one protein for me, one more meat based for the rest of the crew for all to be happyhappy.

As time went on and I discovered and experimented with all the various theories of eating out there, it got confusing. I couldn't do the macrobiotic thing. Didn't appeal and I like raw fruit. Then there's the whole food combining thing. I followed this carefully as part of my weight loss when I shed 75 pounds. I discovered I have food allergies to wheat and corn. We learned about the blood type diet. Pretty soon it became a thing of...well....can't eat this food from this plan here, but it's supposed to be the thing that works over here. Too much work. And way beyond limiting. I mean...about the only thing left is salmon, kale and apples. And while those foods make up a large part of my diet today, I do want and like variety.

These days we can all sit down and all eat the same meal. I now eat fish. I've experimented with meat and am not into it. We all prefer whole foods, preferably organic. We all appreciate healthy eating. It simply tastes better. I'm sorry but a can of peaches does not taste like a tree ripened peach in season. Morgan and I avoid wheat, but aren''t completely neurotic about it (only slightly). All eat some sugar in moderation. We all shop at our local farmer's market for the bulk of our produce..not only for freshness, but the pricing can't be beat.

We're always so surprised that people think junk food tastes better than healthy food. I don't get it. What I do know is that taste buds numb out. That if you feed yourself crap, taste buds get used to crap. But once you let the crap go, it tastes like crap. Occasionally when we travel we are subjected to bad food that others are happily devouring. We all shiver. My kids eat hamburgers, they do go to fast food from time to time. But those times are few and far between and they immediately want real food after.

I'm happy that our culture is finally waking up to the importance of being conscious about what we put in our mouths. It's a pity that we had to get so morbidly obese and unhealthy to decide to start down that road, but better late than never.

In our case, yes I went a little overboard for awhile there and I think it important to be balanced now. Better to not instill a feeling of rebellion and lack so that bad eating becomes the statement for independence. What's always so fun to me is asking my three year old grandson what he wants to drink. Ninety percent of the time it's water, even when offered juice. He's always telling me water is his all time favorite. He pushed for it even back east when well meaning family who kept pushing because they couldn't believe he didn't want a soda. He just kept asking for water, no soda. In this day and age, I consider that a miracle.

I mean...wow...does't this just look better than packaged, unrecognizeable crap? I really don't get it why people think eating healthy=no taste.

Candy junkfood from here
Pizza, hamburgers, etc. from here
Stirfry from here
Real, healthy food from here

Family Dynamics

I suppose every family has their version of them. When Morgan was born, she and Starla got along well, or at least tolerably well. That is until Morgan woke up around age seven or so and stopped doing what Starla wanted her to. The antagonism between Morgan and Cass started when Cass was one day old. Morgan sweetly sat on the couch all propped so she would be able to safely hold Cass. The minute Cass hit Morgan's lap she started to scream. That's pretty much explains what it's been since then. Morgan bugs Cass.

It's so funny....if Morgan and Starla are together, everyone is fine. If Starla and Cass are together, everyone is fine. If all four of us are together, we immediately revert into this weird sort of charicature of our worst, most dysfunctional traits. What is THAT all about?

It helps that Morgan and Cass only see each other twice a year or so now. It can actually go a few days before they twitch out and we all start the pattern, which looks like this:

Morgan is Emotional DramaQueen, emoting and flipping out in contrast to

Cass as Miss Cool, Detached, Disgusted, Aloof, Brat

Starla is uninvolved "Oh, no, here we go again, can't you guys get it together?"

And I'm "Let's be butterflies and why can't we just be a happy family" sort of care-taker and trying to always soothe feathers.

On one outing (in which, I might add I was footing the bill for a very expensive family adventure) we stopped in the middle of it and talked about it. It helped a little in that the adventure wasn't totally dismal, but it was sad that we had to go into our archetypal dramas. Sigh.

I do really think the patterns is changing, if last Christmas is any indicator. Morgan and Cass did fight, but they never did it around me and they reported it in very even tones. They were able to get past it the two times they did fight, actually be at the same table for a friendly meal, without seething....or they did Oscar level performances and I didn't notice. No one ran into a bedroom, slamming the door. No one yelled at me for taking sides (because they both would accuse me of taking sides simultaneously, go figure.) I've even heard that Cass included Morgan as a friend on her MySpace page. So...who knows what the future will bring.

I heard this happened, I never believed it would here so now I am truly a believer in the power of patience and trusting that all will be well.

Beheaded sibling from here
Sparkly Rainbow from here

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Support Your Local Midwife

Since I used to be one, I know what the life is like. And although a good midwife will never tell you what she goes through, I feel I have the right to do so to remind us all that everyone needs recognition from time to time. These women really do.

Midwives do what they do because they love it and are committed on a very deep level. It's a calling. It has to be because the life is so intense that there has to be some compelling reason to put yourself through all that you do to be of service to the families.

Imagine, if you will, the responsibility of knowing that lives are in your hands. That even if you do everything "right" that you have no control over the events of a birth and the "karma" (if you will) of a family. Since midwives, obviously, care about Life, to have something go "wrong" even when they know they've done their best, just about puts many a midwife over the edge. It's a huge stress. That stress NEVER goes away.

If they live in a state that prosecutes midwives for doing home deliveries, a midwife also has this added stress constantly in the back of her mind. She knows that as well meaning as the families are, unless they are pregnant or planning to become so soon, homebirth becomes less important a political issue to devote time to. People get busy with their families. For the most part, she will be alone in her battles.

Midwives are on call 24/7 (unless they have partners....which they need to stay sane, but don't always have that luxury). They can never count on simple things such as a night's sleep, being with their families at Christmas, birthdays, special times. If their kid is sick, they may miss this. If their kid is in a school play,they miss it. Basically, when a mother is a midwife, all the other families have to become more important than hers. When a mother is a midwife, her whole family is involved in birthing whether they want it or not. This is stressful for her family. When she's home she needs to focus on them.

Because midwives have a closer, more caring practice, families sometimes forget boundaries and a midwife's personal time. I used to get frivolous calls at all times of the day and night. For instance, someone once called me at 5:30 am after I had been up all night at a birth to ask me what time the Natural Food Store opened. I suggested she call them as I had no idea. I knew she meant well in all she intended, but I think it prudent to mention to the general public that if you have forty to fifty (or more) families under your care, that each needs to be cognizant of the fact that a midwive needs space to recharge her batteries so she has energy to give. Please think before you call.

A touchy subject: ...but please....pay your midwife the fee you agreed to. She puts in copious hours for you, puts her heart and soul into taking care of you, your child and your birth. It's expensive buying equipment, expensive for her to find good childcare for her kids when you have a birth. She probably charges a fraction of what any OB would, and puts in many more hours. She feels blessed to have been invited to your birth, but is invited because she brings skills and experience that you need. She needs the security of having her personal bills covered so that her energy doesn't have to focus there. We no longer live in a society where the village took care of its healers....she needs money to do that...and until your good intentions can pay her rent, please...just pay her in a timely fashion so she doesn't have to stress about it.

Finally...do not see her as God. You are the Goddess giving birth. She does not deliver your baby...you deliver your baby. She is coming to assist you because she believes in you and your ability to give birth normally and naturally. She is there because at this point in her life, she can think of no better place to be, has nothing she feels is more important than babies being born in emotionally and physically healthy ways. She will always do her best, but ultimately, this is your birth. Do NOT give your power away. Do not let go of responsibility over your body...she doesn't want it. She wants to empower YOU and your family. Let her do this. Please receive this--her greatest gift.

Image of woman giving birth from here

Squatting woman giving birth from here

Don't You Love It When

....the daughter who, three years ago, was telling you she is entitled to:

A cell phone with unlimited texting and minutes

A computer with scanner/copier and all the CD's she wants to burn

An MP3 player

A car of her choice

All the clothes she wants

...is now a politically active, culturally aware almost twenty year old who is paring down to live a simple life? No more car. Simple cell phone plan. Buys organic. Reads politically leftist subversive books. Takes a stand on gender, peace, cultural, racist issues.

Wow.

Trust me, if this conversion can happen anything is possible. Just another miracle we get to observe as we watch them transform and transmute.

Rainbow picture taken from here

Angel from here

Who's In Control??

I know that we, as parents, have to assume a position of authority. Our kids like to have the security of feeling that someone is in control. I have been blessed with kids who had their moments of challenge, but none of my kids has never gone off the deep end. None of them got so unruly or disrespectful that they got lost and out of control.

The experts might look at this and say that it was because of the way I disciplined them. Could be. I have my opinions about how to get kids to the point where they listen, especially when young (talked about here). It could be that by raising them the way I did, that they learned how to behave, got a sense of themselves, and didn't act out too much. But those same "experts" wouldn't agree with my parenting style...in fact the way I parented was quite contrary to most of what they suggest to parents to avoid the behavior they are trying to prevent.

After watching lots of kids and parents, I do notice certain styles that tend to result in more beneficial parent/kid relationships. But in the end, I have to say, that nothing that I've seen predetermines where a kid will end up. After watching kids and how their parents handled them, I discovered a secret. Now...even though I figured this out pretty early on, I never let on to my kids until they were much older. Why crack the illusion and make things harder for everyone? I think it vital to continue the status quo mindset.

SSSsssssssh.....be sure not to tell them...but....it's really the kids that are in control.

Why do I say that? Because we, as parents, can decide to punish. We can have time outs, spankings, talkings to, groundings, taking away priveleges, the whole thing. But if the kid doesn't decide to obey, doesn't decide that the consequences are enough to stop what they're going, it means nada. Ask any parent who's kid is out of control.

Scary isn't it?

Image from here

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