So Sad
A man I used to date called last night. He and I had a very short relationship about 10 years ago. We didn't stay together nearly as long as his kids and I did.
When we met, I felt a connection one of his older daughters. She ended up pregnant and in an unhappy relationship. Her apartment wasn't that far from my home. As she was miserable, I invited her and her baby to live with me. They stayed for about six months. Then her younger sister started hanging out lots at our house, befriending my youngest daughter, even though they were a few years apart. She ended up spending lots of time with us, too, although never fully moving in. Both girls ended up ultimately using me, but, truth is, I knew this was a possibility before taking them into my family and heart. People who have no inner structure have nothing to share outside them.
One of the reasons I tried to be there for the kids was because I could see they were all lost souls due to really sad, neglectful parenting on both parents' parts. The Dad is an alcoholic, the Mom an ex drug addict and now born again Christian. Neither had the skills to parent or give the message to their kids that they were unconditionally loved.
The man and I hadn't talked in over a year so we had lots of catching up to do. My kids are doing great- all are happy and on their way. None of his are thriving, only one will have much of anything to do with him. The eldest that lived with me is probably doing the best in life, but won't talk to him. The son is not doing too well. Sad Dad's remark?: "well, Pamm, you sure did something right because you've always had great kids, they still want to talk to you and are doing well."
People say that to me lots. I have always deflected, truly believing that I can't take credit for how great they are, that all I did was get out of the way.
I do know this- Kids are tremendously forgiving. But they need to feel unconditionally loved. Not 24/7, but ultimately they have to be shown there is someone there to support them no matter what. Not only when they're little, but also in high school and when they're grown. Someone, somewhere on the planet has to have their back so they feel internally safe.
I feel so blessed mine have that. He was so very sad about what he has unconsciously created. I would hate to have to live with myself in that way. Tragic. I talk about this lots because it's so very very important, the key, I think, to growing healthy kids.
image from here
6 comments:
That's a very special sort of love & caring Pamm, and I'm not certain all adults are up to providing it. And it does tell down through the generations, one after another. Not a pleasant thought overall, but you did what you could to provide a safe haven for them to grow while the sun of nurturing shone upon them. In the end all you can do is provide a good example and a refuge of caring for others hearts while they can not be yours. Cheers & Good Luck! 'VJ'
I think more and more adults are trying to find their way, though. And the good news is that kids are pretty forgiving. If they think you are trying, at least, they can find their way eventually.
I am in complete agreement. I was never (and still am not) a perfect mom. It's such a good way of putting it -- I've got their backs. I think the greatest joy to me is that both my son and my daughter really really talk with me. Oh, they have their inner worlds. And that's been just amazing, too, watching them become these amazing individuals with particular interests and passions.
Step-daughter is another story. But we're working on it. When she came into my life two years or so ago (and I REALLY didn't know) she was a biting, rage-filled hellion of a 6-year old, with no rules, no bedtime. Breaking her spirit was/is not my intention, but smoothing out some of the rage... She is a beautiful, though challenging, kiddo.
Ever long-windedly loving your thoughtful posts.
Hey, girl...from what I can tell of you they are lucky to call you Mom (or whatever they call you...you know what I mean).
Sulpicia stay firm and full of love she will calm down soon when she realises what you offer.
Pamm your words almost make me cry. My greatest fear is that my son will turn against me and never talk to me. He is the sole reason I live in France. I was terrified to leave and create another man resentful of his absent father so I stayed. I try to give his love and rules..But his other family although they have a lot of love have no rules, so it gets harder...I hope he knows I have his back and I am there forever. I told him when he could first talk, I wouldn't drop him. We were playing I had him up over my head. He said..'I am going to fall'...I told him 'No, not with me.. I will never drop you'. I never did, I remind him when he is afraid or upset I am there I tell him I love him and I tell him I will never drop him...I explain what that means in a deeper sense. Is it too much for a 7 year old to take in? He doesn't complain...my son.
Warrior..I know it's a scary thing. I wonder about what Cass will do when she leaves. But...my guess is that you have nothing to fear. Kids figure it out. What I've seen is that for the most part, they crave attention and support and will be in our lives if we give them space but let them know we are there.
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