Telling The Kids About The Divorce
Like most couples, my ex and I had a difficult time coming to our decision to divorce because of having kids. Breaking up a family is not an easy thing to do and I don't know anyone who has done so lightly.
I have no idea what works for other families. In our case, we weren't loudly screaming at each other 24/7. But the relationship had died and there was constant and consistent tension. We were miserable. We were on different paths and couldn't find a way to walk side by side. We had no common tools, no reference point for bridging the gap that years of distance had created. Even though we were getting along better a the time of our decision than we had in years, we were done.
At the point of decision, we were in accord. But how to tell the kids? And when? We knew we wanted to wait until summer vacation so that they would have time to adjust without having school considerations. It was March when we decided to divorce. That left three months. Patrick wanted to wait to tell them. I didn't. I couldn't walk around with the knowledge I had and not tell them about something that would rock their world so completely. I agreed to wait, but after a few days could no longer look them in the eyes and feel clear with them. I forced the issue with him
and told him I would tell them.
We did it after dinner one night. It wasn't easy. We told them we both loved them and would not abandon them. The major consideration for them, as I remember it, was Christmas. How would we do Christmas? Patrick and I agreed to celebrate it as a family, no matter what. This helped them in the moment.
Although the three months were not always easy it was pretty clear from the beginning that it was a very good thing for the kids that we did it this way. We had time to grieve as a family. We did lots of things together, talked to them lots about what the changes would be and the implications of all of it. We got to cry together. They had time to process and sift and sort, to prepare themselves mentally for what was to come and do it in an environment of support from both mom and dad. This is not to say that we made no mistakes. But overall, I think it helped them tremendously.
And they've given me feedback a number of times that they appreciate the way it was handled. It's always so funny to get feedback from them about their perceptions of their childhoods. They had no idea we were having problems to the degree we were. They knew we fought from time to time, but they had no clue as to the tension and disharmony that existed between us. For this, I am also thankful.
Times got weird after the actual split up. I won't go into that now, will save it for another post. But suffice it to say, while not easy in the moment, there are ways to lessen the pain and trauma of divorce. Now that they are grown, they thank me for getting the divorce. They admit that it wasn't easy, but that it was a good thing for them, too. They just ask me why we stayed together so long.
I have no idea what works for other families. In our case, we weren't loudly screaming at each other 24/7. But the relationship had died and there was constant and consistent tension. We were miserable. We were on different paths and couldn't find a way to walk side by side. We had no common tools, no reference point for bridging the gap that years of distance had created. Even though we were getting along better a the time of our decision than we had in years, we were done.
At the point of decision, we were in accord. But how to tell the kids? And when? We knew we wanted to wait until summer vacation so that they would have time to adjust without having school considerations. It was March when we decided to divorce. That left three months. Patrick wanted to wait to tell them. I didn't. I couldn't walk around with the knowledge I had and not tell them about something that would rock their world so completely. I agreed to wait, but after a few days could no longer look them in the eyes and feel clear with them. I forced the issue with him
and told him I would tell them.We did it after dinner one night. It wasn't easy. We told them we both loved them and would not abandon them. The major consideration for them, as I remember it, was Christmas. How would we do Christmas? Patrick and I agreed to celebrate it as a family, no matter what. This helped them in the moment.
Although the three months were not always easy it was pretty clear from the beginning that it was a very good thing for the kids that we did it this way. We had time to grieve as a family. We did lots of things together, talked to them lots about what the changes would be and the implications of all of it. We got to cry together. They had time to process and sift and sort, to prepare themselves mentally for what was to come and do it in an environment of support from both mom and dad. This is not to say that we made no mistakes. But overall, I think it helped them tremendously.
And they've given me feedback a number of times that they appreciate the way it was handled. It's always so funny to get feedback from them about their perceptions of their childhoods. They had no idea we were having problems to the degree we were. They knew we fought from time to time, but they had no clue as to the tension and disharmony that existed between us. For this, I am also thankful.
Times got weird after the actual split up. I won't go into that now, will save it for another post. But suffice it to say, while not easy in the moment, there are ways to lessen the pain and trauma of divorce. Now that they are grown, they thank me for getting the divorce. They admit that it wasn't easy, but that it was a good thing for them, too. They just ask me why we stayed together so long.
Photo and Art Credits:
Different Paths Photo from here
Divorce Art from Salon
Holding Hands picture from here
Information:
If you are researching your own family's past there are hundreds of websites created to help your genealogical search. With millions of public records available you can find birth and death certificates and marriage and divorce records that can help you re-trace your history.
4 comments:
I know of a family going through a divorce that did something that seemed quite sensible to me. They met as a group with a therapist, once a week, during the entire divorce process, and for months thereafter.
Hi, Jonas...what a great idea. I love creative ways that ease the kids.
Although not the same thing, I learned after my divorce from a couple that instead of the kids being pieces of popcorn and being shuffled back and forth between households, they had the kids stay in the house and the parents went there every other week. Not sure if they had just one other apartment that they switched off and on with or how they did that logisically...but I really liked that and wished we had thought of it. The kids weren't uprooted every week, maintained "home" and it gave them stability.
Thanks for stopping by.
Yes, I've heard of this too and love the idea. In one of my perfect world fantasies, if a couple decides they need to split, they would still maintain the family and keep the home intact.
It would be so good for the kids. I know that there are ways that divorce can be less traumatic. It's a pity that it usually is, though.
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