Teens and Sex

Cass took a Sociology of Sexuality class in college last semester. This is interesting, I says to myself...what a pleasant surprise. At the beginning of the class, they were to write a paper on things that influenced their sexuality. Part of the paper was to talk about how their parents' views on sex impacted them. She asked me to proof her paper so I got to see a piece of how she sees herself.

She felt that she had an odd experience growing up because her parents came from totally opposite perspectives in the sexual realm. Her perception of us is that her father is a Christian and says that sex is only OK in marriage. Her mother (that would be me), on the other hand, will sleep anything with a hole or protuberance (animal, vegetable, mineral, human) walking down the street whether she knows them/it or not. That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but not much. I thought that really interesting.

Cass is somewhere in the middle of her perceptions of her parents. She says that she has to feel a strong connection with her partners, but she doesn't really need to be "in love." All things "Cass" are about balance. She wants, above all, to have that in her life. Gotta love her.

I was always very open with my girls, tried to support them having a healthy relationship with their bodies and sex. I suggested they wait until they felt safe, and to only participate if they wanted to. I offered to help them get birth control and condoms and told them they could be sexual in the house but this did not give their friends license to use my house for sex.

In their own ways they have each communicated to me in random conversations that they are very careful in their safe sex practices. I don't know if kids whose parents have a "just say no" policy are as careful...statistics and my experience would suggest not. I do know that visiting friends from the homes of the strictest parents were the ones I had to watch the closest. When their parents were not around they went nuts in an open, respectful, trusting environment. They could not handle the responsibility of their own bodies and all did very self-destructive things.

I could be, and initially was, afraid that my girls would be physically or emotionall hurt...that they might get pregnant or a fatal STD. But I trust that if young people are given the power to control their own lives and are given information they will use it wisely. Teens are far from stupid. They want to live, they want to succeed, they want to be happy. Even at the age of 13.


When a parent provides a controlling wall in the teen years, the wall and the parental construction and maintanance becomes the issue rather than the subject itself. If you tell a kid not to have sex, then you give them a cause, something to fight so that they can assert themselves and show themselves and the parent that they are independent. If you remove the artificial wall and replace it with unconditional love and a safe space for young people to get information, you make it their responsibility to make informed conscious decisions. They have nothing and no one outside of themselves to "blame," nothing to fight, no wall to butt up against. Life brings them their lessons from their choices. It's all about them, not the fight.

I understand that parents provide walls and try to control out of fear. I know it's hard to trust that our children will be guided and be OK. I understand it's one of the most difficult tasks in life to watch them go through something that is painful or may be dangerous for them. I know what it's like. I have been there, spending many nights crying, fretting, worrying for my girls who I
adore more than anything in the world. I want them safe. I want to protect them.

But the thing is...I can't. Because even when I do everything "right" I have no control whatsoever over another's life. When we try to control anyone we usually create that which we fear the most. So while finding a dildo might freak out many parents of an eighteen year old, it made me very happy when I found one in one of my girls' bedrooms. I would have been happy if she was fifteen. I am happy she and her sisters feel good in their bodies. Each chose a different route of expression, but I never hear any of them feeling hurt or shame or emotional damage. And in this day and age of mixed messages about sex (dress like a slut, but never "do it.") and the total confusion it gives kids, that's Big.

Divine Dancers by Henry Pellisier

The Virgin by Gustav Klimt

Moon Goddess Diana by Howard David Johnson