More Letting Go.....
When Cass was young, her sisters would always tell me she was lying and making up stories. When I would listen to her I would always have these unbidden feelers go up. Something wasn't quite right here...was it a lie?.....what's going on here? I watched her, trying to figure it out. What I came up with was an intuitive hit that she wasn't lying....she just saw the world differently and so thought what she was saying was true. I tried to explain it to her sisters, but they weren't going for it. To this day, I don't know if she was or not.
But I have carried this with me. I hold on particularly because of a couple of incidents that supported my idea.
The most informative one was during a Christmas season. She was five and we were living in the country. Her sisters were at some function and we had to hang out around town waiting. Since we had time to kill, I asked her if she wanted to go to the mall so she could do her shopping for her sist
ers' presents. Her reply was that she didn't have her money with her so could we go get it. I said how about I just give her money to buy the presents for her sisters so she could save her money for something else. She told me she had forgotten her money...so please could we go get it? She didn't have it and needed it. I said I would give her money so she didn't need hers. We went back and forth like this until she got so distraught she started to cry.
I stopped the car, looked in her eyes, told her to breathe and listen with all her ears. I said it to her in another way, in a number of ways, very slowly explaining more and more that she didn't need her money...that I would give her $10 and she could buy the presents. Then when she got home, she could have the $5 she had there. She was silent for a minute then slowly her face started to change and she smiled.
There were other situations and stories that told me her brain processes things differently than most people. I have said repeatedly that if she is one of ten people in a room, nine people will hear roughly the same thing, but she will hear something different, then take it places internally that everyone would. I know my brain works differently than most, but our two are nowhere near each other.
Now at 19, in her womanhood, I still carry this idea about her processing with me and get concerned for her ability to operate in her world. She has proven that she can in so many ways that go way beyond what most have done by her age....so why do I worry? It influences how I act and respond with her. I keep being vigilant in ways I no longer need to be and that are getting in the way of her feeling her independence.
We had another incident the other day where I got nervous that she wasn't hearing things the way they were meant and that she may be jeopardizing her job. Specifically she is scheduled to work on Saturday night and is going out of town. When I said that it was nice she got it off..nice she had found a replacement, she said something that sounded odd to me. I have never heard of a system where when you want off, you just tell your fellow employees and they have to work it out. In my world you make sure it's covered, you tell the boss, you write it on the schedule or have something written down. But when I mentioned I had never heard of that, she got pissy and kindly asked me to not ask her questions anymore. I learned that when I ask, feels she has to "answer t
o me." I was happy to have the opportunity to remind her I have no investment in her doing anything for me. Ick. I just get concerned for her.
And I am learning. Even though her sisters wanted my gentle wisdom, my ideas, my experience, it doesn't means she does or has to. She's made it clear she wants none of it unless she asks for it. While she acknowledges and feels my questions are "sweet" (her words), for where she is right now, she would appreciate if I keep them to myself.
But I have carried this with me. I hold on particularly because of a couple of incidents that supported my idea.
The most informative one was during a Christmas season. She was five and we were living in the country. Her sisters were at some function and we had to hang out around town waiting. Since we had time to kill, I asked her if she wanted to go to the mall so she could do her shopping for her sist
ers' presents. Her reply was that she didn't have her money with her so could we go get it. I said how about I just give her money to buy the presents for her sisters so she could save her money for something else. She told me she had forgotten her money...so please could we go get it? She didn't have it and needed it. I said I would give her money so she didn't need hers. We went back and forth like this until she got so distraught she started to cry.I stopped the car, looked in her eyes, told her to breathe and listen with all her ears. I said it to her in another way, in a number of ways, very slowly explaining more and more that she didn't need her money...that I would give her $10 and she could buy the presents. Then when she got home, she could have the $5 she had there. She was silent for a minute then slowly her face started to change and she smiled.
There were other situations and stories that told me her brain processes things differently than most people. I have said repeatedly that if she is one of ten people in a room, nine people will hear roughly the same thing, but she will hear something different, then take it places internally that everyone would. I know my brain works differently than most, but our two are nowhere near each other.
Now at 19, in her womanhood, I still carry this idea about her processing with me and get concerned for her ability to operate in her world. She has proven that she can in so many ways that go way beyond what most have done by her age....so why do I worry? It influences how I act and respond with her. I keep being vigilant in ways I no longer need to be and that are getting in the way of her feeling her independence.
We had another incident the other day where I got nervous that she wasn't hearing things the way they were meant and that she may be jeopardizing her job. Specifically she is scheduled to work on Saturday night and is going out of town. When I said that it was nice she got it off..nice she had found a replacement, she said something that sounded odd to me. I have never heard of a system where when you want off, you just tell your fellow employees and they have to work it out. In my world you make sure it's covered, you tell the boss, you write it on the schedule or have something written down. But when I mentioned I had never heard of that, she got pissy and kindly asked me to not ask her questions anymore. I learned that when I ask, feels she has to "answer t
o me." I was happy to have the opportunity to remind her I have no investment in her doing anything for me. Ick. I just get concerned for her.And I am learning. Even though her sisters wanted my gentle wisdom, my ideas, my experience, it doesn't means she does or has to. She's made it clear she wants none of it unless she asks for it. While she acknowledges and feels my questions are "sweet" (her words), for where she is right now, she would appreciate if I keep them to myself.
OK.
Eye of the Beholder taken from here
Rainbow eye (my name for it) from here.
Letting Go from here
6 comments:
Can I tell you something? I am going to anyway.So I hope your answer is yes. I love you and I have great faith in you. From what I read, in just the lines of your interaction with Cass you don't believe her or trust her and she knows it. When I said that it was nice she got it off..nice she had found a replacement, she said something that sounded odd to me. I have never heard of a system where when you want off, you just tell your fellow employees and they have to work it out. In my world you make sure it's covered, you tell the boss, you write it on the schedule or have something written down. But when I mentioned I had never heard of that, she got pissy and kindly asked me to not ask her questions anymor
If I may, Cass doesn't care what you have heard of, it's none of your bizness if she has a replacement or not, and In your world? I am 19 and it's my world we are talking about..not yours...why is the focus all on you?...
Sorry Pamm but I just see this when I read what you write. I know how capable you are and you probably know all this anyway...maybe this should be sent by email and not a comment...but I get she wants you to be happy she is going out of town for the night not worried she is not doing her job right.. Let her make mistakes, she will learn...
Yes, I know all that, my friend..and I think that was what the post is about..but/and, as I'm sure you know as a fellow spiritual journeyer AND parent AND person...theory is MUCH easier to hook into than actual practice. We have all sorts of justifications for what we do...I am worried about her because of this thing I know about her with her ability to perceive. (and I am not the only person who sees this in her)I've watched and been privvy to lots more around this topic that is not on here. I am her Mom. I want her to be happy. In my trying to protect her I was smothering her, even though it was gentle, minimal, said caringly and without judgement. All the same loving intents with which you left this comment for me, but gentler, smile.
The focus was on me because I didn't want to come across as "this is the way it is in the world." I was trying to leave the possibility for her (again, trying to be gentle) that although I may not have had her experience and I may be wrong here, this is what my experience has been. The whole conversation was about her. And now, today, she told me she had to use the car at 8:30 and it is 9:10 and I think there's a possibility she needed it for work and she's still in bed. I am relieved that nothing is my responsibility any more.
hugs, what might happen if you did nothing? Do you think she might start to chase your opinion and views instead of reject them? Just wondering, a little reverse might work wonders ... hugs again..
That, my friend, is exactly what I am doing now. Nothing, nada, zippo zilch. Relief!
Damn. And it's too late for the Jesus camp, right? (Gee they do all this stuff on all the shows...) Cheers & Good Luck, 'VJ'
Hi, VJ....Hehe...Jesus Camp...shudda thunk of that!!
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