Fancy Hair

Parents always need to have a clear understanding of their strengths and weaknesses in order to remain conscious about what they do effects their kids. When Starla was about 3, I learned I cannot do hair. Some things will ever remain a mystery to me.

My poor girls. They were young when people were doing all sorts of fancy braids, flip ups, creative ponytails. There were fancy things to do with multiple butterfly hair clips, small bows, bands, toothed thingies, barretts. Options in our household were hair down, or in a straight ponytail. I couldn't even get the two ponytails thing right.

It's not that I didn't try. They would come to me with a brush, some hair ties and frilly-dillies with a sweet trusting look on their cute little faces. Each time I would remind them of my lack of ability in this department. Each time they would assure me that I did fine and PLEEEEEASE would I just do their hair. I would. It would look awful, but they would tell me it looked grand. When I picked them up from school, the hair do would be out, hair flowing free.

Starla, Kailyb and I were at the pastry shop after our lovely time at the Farmer's market yesterday when I saw a little girl if about three with perfect little ponytail puffs on each side of her haid. The part was perfectly straight, and the puffs were at the perfectly matched place on each side of her cute little head. I reminded Starla of when she was young and how I could never do her hair for her and she started to laugh. She told me that sometimes the hairdo would just fall out, but that, yes, there were times when the minute she got to school and I was out of sight, she would pull it out.

Kids are so sweet.

Fancy Braid from here

French braid from here

Cornrowing from here

Homebirth Twilight Zone

I was a midwife from 1980-1986. For anyone with bad math skills that's at least 25 years. The reason I say that is because I am reading homebirth blogs and I feel like I am in 1980 on one on the homebirth "debate."

Why are the issues that we dealt then with still the issues? What's happened? Or hasn't happened?

About midway through being a midwife, Vaginal Birth After Cesareans were just starting to be acceptable. By the time I stopped, there was hope. I thought they had become commonplace, but I now find out that it's WORSE than it was back then. WTF???

The same bloody arguments, which we all know aren't true, are still be used to justify taking away a woman's right to choose the attendant and location of her birth...or at least attempting to shame her as an unfit parent, murderer or abuser. One upside is that I think it's easier to find a midwife now. I know in California you can find a midwife licensed by the state and not have to fear about anything. When I did a search online, I found a number of states that I don't remember having legal lay midwives when I was practicing. So all that's good.

But it still sounds like all the same issues in hospital births that we railed against: constant monitors, having to lie down to give birth, increased intervention, increased C-Sections. It's depressing.

What I would like to suggest is this. I'm thinking that if the docs are still so concerned about homebirth safety issues, that they do all they can to HELP midwives and parents have a safe one. Then they can concentrate on the women who actually WANT their services and try to provide them with good care....not the waiting for hours at each pre-natal appointment...not the insensitive care that I am hearing women talk about. Quit intervening and causing more problems. Hey...I know it gets scary being responsible for a life and that it's easier to live with yourself thinking that you did all you could do. But goshdarnit, if you can't deal with the ups and downs of birth, get the hell out and quit interfering with my daughters' choices.

picture from here

Find out more about pregnancy and giving birth online. Learn about the signs and symptoms of pregnancy all the way the how to avoid or treat post-partum depression, even nutrition facts for expectant mothers and much more.

Happy Mother's Day

There is a picture book I saw when I was in my early 20's. I don't remember it's title or author/photographer. The book started with a picture of a grandfather in his prime holding his diapered baby grandson in his arms. Each page in the book was a chronicle of both growing older. The boy grew older, taller, stronger. The Grandfather grew older, shorter, weaker. By the end of the book he was in a room alone, with a diaper on. The last pictures were of the grandson holding the diapered grandfather.

This book stays with me. It's about life.

On this Mother's Day, I have two daugthers who have let me know that I can count on them to make sure my diapers are changed when I am an old woman....and they were even sober when they made the promise. While neither has committed to doing the job full time themselves, they let me know that if I ever get to the point of needing that kind of care, they will be there for me.

I can think of no greater gift for a child to give a parent. I am blessed.

Heart by Ann Erpino.

More Letting Go.....

When Cass was young, her sisters would always tell me she was lying and making up stories. When I would listen to her I would always have these unbidden feelers go up. Something wasn't quite right here...was it a lie?.....what's going on here? I watched her, trying to figure it out. What I came up with was an intuitive hit that she wasn't lying....she just saw the world differently and so thought what she was saying was true. I tried to explain it to her sisters, but they weren't going for it. To this day, I don't know if she was or not.

But I have carried this with me. I hold on particularly because of a couple of incidents that supported my idea.

The most informative one was during a Christmas season. She was five and we were living in the country. Her sisters were at some function and we had to hang out around town waiting. Since we had time to kill, I asked her if she wanted to go to the mall so she could do her shopping for her sisters' presents. Her reply was that she didn't have her money with her so could we go get it. I said how about I just give her money to buy the presents for her sisters so she could save her money for something else. She told me she had forgotten her money...so please could we go get it? She didn't have it and needed it. I said I would give her money so she didn't need hers. We went back and forth like this until she got so distraught she started to cry.

I stopped the car, looked in her eyes, told her to breathe and listen with all her ears. I said it to her in another way, in a number of ways, very slowly explaining more and more that she didn't need her money...that I would give her $10 and she could buy the presents. Then when she got home, she could have the $5 she had there. She was silent for a minute then slowly her face started to change and she smiled.

There were other situations and stories that told me her brain processes things differently than most people. I have said repeatedly that if she is one of ten people in a room, nine people will hear roughly the same thing, but she will hear something different, then take it places internally that everyone would. I know my brain works differently than most, but our two are nowhere near each other.

Now at 19, in her womanhood, I still carry this idea about her processing with me and get concerned for her ability to operate in her world. She has proven that she can in so many ways that go way beyond what most have done by her age....so why do I worry? It influences how I act and respond with her. I keep being vigilant in ways I no longer need to be and that are getting in the way of her feeling her independence.

We had another incident the other day where I got nervous that she wasn't hearing things the way they were meant and that she may be jeopardizing her job. Specifically she is scheduled to work on Saturday night and is going out of town. When I said that it was nice she got it off..nice she had found a replacement, she said something that sounded odd to me. I have never heard of a system where when you want off, you just tell your fellow employees and they have to work it out. In my world you make sure it's covered, you tell the boss, you write it on the schedule or have something written down. But when I mentioned I had never heard of that, she got pissy and kindly asked me to not ask her questions anymore. I learned that when I ask, feels she has to "answer to me." I was happy to have the opportunity to remind her I have no investment in her doing anything for me. Ick. I just get concerned for her.

And I am learning. Even though her sisters wanted my gentle wisdom, my ideas, my experience, it doesn't means she does or has to. She's made it clear she wants none of it unless she asks for it. While she acknowledges and feels my questions are "sweet" (her words), for where she is right now, she would appreciate if I keep them to myself.

OK.

Eye of the Beholder taken from here

Rainbow eye (my name for it) from here.

Letting Go from here

Teens and Sex

Cass took a Sociology of Sexuality class in college last semester. This is interesting, I says to myself...what a pleasant surprise. At the beginning of the class, they were to write a paper on things that influenced their sexuality. Part of the paper was to talk about how their parents' views on sex impacted them. She asked me to proof her paper so I got to see a piece of how she sees herself.

She felt that she had an odd experience growing up because her parents came from totally opposite perspectives in the sexual realm. Her perception of us is that her father is a Christian and says that sex is only OK in marriage. Her mother (that would be me), on the other hand, will sleep anything with a hole or protuberance (animal, vegetable, mineral, human) walking down the street whether she knows them/it or not. That may be a bit of an exaggeration, but not much. I thought that really interesting.

Cass is somewhere in the middle of her perceptions of her parents. She says that she has to feel a strong connection with her partners, but she doesn't really need to be "in love." All things "Cass" are about balance. She wants, above all, to have that in her life. Gotta love her.

I was always very open with my girls, tried to support them having a healthy relationship with their bodies and sex. I suggested they wait until they felt safe, and to only participate if they wanted to. I offered to help them get birth control and condoms and told them they could be sexual in the house but this did not give their friends license to use my house for sex.

In their own ways they have each communicated to me in random conversations that they are very careful in their safe sex practices. I don't know if kids whose parents have a "just say no" policy are as careful...statistics and my experience would suggest not. I do know that visiting friends from the homes of the strictest parents were the ones I had to watch the closest. When their parents were not around they went nuts in an open, respectful, trusting environment. They could not handle the responsibility of their own bodies and all did very self-destructive things.

I could be, and initially was, afraid that my girls would be physically or emotionall hurt...that they might get pregnant or a fatal STD. But I trust that if young people are given the power to control their own lives and are given information they will use it wisely. Teens are far from stupid. They want to live, they want to succeed, they want to be happy. Even at the age of 13.


When a parent provides a controlling wall in the teen years, the wall and the parental construction and maintanance becomes the issue rather than the subject itself. If you tell a kid not to have sex, then you give them a cause, something to fight so that they can assert themselves and show themselves and the parent that they are independent. If you remove the artificial wall and replace it with unconditional love and a safe space for young people to get information, you make it their responsibility to make informed conscious decisions. They have nothing and no one outside of themselves to "blame," nothing to fight, no wall to butt up against. Life brings them their lessons from their choices. It's all about them, not the fight.

I understand that parents provide walls and try to control out of fear. I know it's hard to trust that our children will be guided and be OK. I understand it's one of the most difficult tasks in life to watch them go through something that is painful or may be dangerous for them. I know what it's like. I have been there, spending many nights crying, fretting, worrying for my girls who I
adore more than anything in the world. I want them safe. I want to protect them.

But the thing is...I can't. Because even when I do everything "right" I have no control whatsoever over another's life. When we try to control anyone we usually create that which we fear the most. So while finding a dildo might freak out many parents of an eighteen year old, it made me very happy when I found one in one of my girls' bedrooms. I would have been happy if she was fifteen. I am happy she and her sisters feel good in their bodies. Each chose a different route of expression, but I never hear any of them feeling hurt or shame or emotional damage. And in this day and age of mixed messages about sex (dress like a slut, but never "do it.") and the total confusion it gives kids, that's Big.

Divine Dancers by Henry Pellisier

The Virgin by Gustav Klimt

Moon Goddess Diana by Howard David Johnson

Children's Books by Barbara Berger

I am a bookaholic and spent lots of time in stores when my kids were young, trying to find books that touched me and that I would be willing to read over and over. To tell the truth, I look from time to time in bookstores these days I am not finding anything that matches what was around when my kids were little.

Barbara Berger never disappointed. All her books were among my kids' favorites. The texts are gentle, like a breath of soft air. The illustrations glow.

These are some of the ones we have:

Grandfather Twilight, above, is the story of a kind man who takes one pearl from a string every evening and walks through a magical forest to the sea, the pearl growing with every step.

When the Sun Rose is a sweet story of imaginary friends who meet in a secret playhouse.

Gwinna is a book for older kids and talks about transformation and being proud of who you are.

The Donkey's Dream is a beautiful retelling of the Nativity.

And Animalia is an exquisite book for kids mid-aged. It has a number of one page vingettes on the special magical relationship that is possible between humans and animals. This was one of Morgan's all time favorites and one she still refers to today.

All images from Barbara Helen Berger's site.

They can be purchased from Amazon.

The G Word

Christmas five years ago, my oldest daughter, Starla and I were in the kitchen. She looked at me and earnestly said: "Mom, I want you to start getting ready and preparing yourself emotionally because Kevin and I want to have a baby."

She knew I was going to have a difficult time identifying myself as "grandmother." Back then, I was subracting a year from my age every birthday. My kids got so used to it, they have no idea how old I am today.

One thing was sure, though, I didn't want to be hearing "Grandma" or any other other G words every day. The closest one that might possibly have worked was Grandee, which I guess is the Brit form. But my mom had used that one and I got superstitious about it (she died). We settled on Nona. Yes, it's the Italian word for Grandmother, but I don't speak the language it doesn't have the same associations for me.

So two years after that conversation in the kitchen, I was two years younger. On my birthday that year, I got to help Kailyb birth. I was the first person to touch his head (from the outside). He was born in my house on my bed and we've been tremendously bonded ever since.

Today, Kailyb is three and half (unlike me, he gets older every year). This morning we got to do our every Saturday ritual of Starla, he and I going to the Farmer's Market then getting coffee. Well, actually he gets pastry and water, we get coffee. Today after that all important food/drink portion of our ritual, Starla decided she wanted a 10 minute shoulder massage. I was happy to sit with Kailyb and hold him while she did.

I gave him butterfly kisses all over his sweet little neck and got to listen to him giggle, watch him close his eyes to feel. We were sitting in the sun, it's a glorious day and I really can't say that I could be any more blessed than to have been gifted with being a Grandmother.

Butterfly image from Wetcurcuit