Breakfast With Cass

We don't hang out much. Even though she still lives at home, we have our separate lives. She's a busy college student, I am focused on work. Plus, we have our dynamic that gets in the way.

We had it again at breakfast. For the most part, we just talked, laughed and had a good time. At one point it almost slipped over the edge, but we caught our dynamic at work, changed the subject in enough time to let it go. I wish it wasn't there. Darnit..it shows up when I least expect it and it catches me off guard. Whenever I don't agree with her or have any sort of suggestion or difference in viewpoints, she sees it me criticizing her. As I'm just talking like I would with anyone else, I don't guard myself for her reaction. I step into it more than I want to. I lose my inner balance with her in ways that are unique to our relationship- this dynamic doesn't exist with anyone else on the planet.

"How is school going?"

"Fine. I am going to have to apply for financial aid again soon so just wanted to warn you."

"Oh, really? Wow...that's interesting. From what I understand, you apply by March 2 in California for the school year. But, OK."

"We have to apply then and then again for the next year."

"Huh? Well...ok..but that wasn't the way it was when I was in school ten years ago and then with Morgan for the past few years. But, ok."

"Well I guess all my counselors are wrong then, Mom, as they all said the same thing." (said with much agitation and sarcasm)

"OK...maybe things have changed."

This same interaction with anyone else wouldn't have had the energy, the anger behind it that she felt with me.

How is it that we change long term patterns with people we're in relationship with? It's an issue with marriage partners, friends and children. I know the steps, and it takes two. I feel we're getting better. Maybe all it takes is time, patience and being conscious that it exists. If we want it to change then I believe it will. I just wish it didn't exist. I keep wondering what happened that she feel so wounded in this way to feel so defensive with me. I wonder why much of what she says to me hurts. This dynamic doesn't exist with the other girls.

It kind of reminds me of my family situation. Our experience of our parents is so different that my sister and I have decided we were raised by a different set of parents. I came to terms long ago that much of what I thought were the my parents problems had lots more to do with me and the fact that they were learning (I am the oldest). I don't have that luxury with Cass, though. I was well versed in the parenting department when she came along. Or should have been.

I don't think that parenting styles is the only thing at work in how we influence our childrens' lives. Whatever we do, whatever we say has to go throught their unique filter and be interepreted and incorporated by them. We have no say, no control in this. Families are all just living together working with who and what we are.

Art:
Maternity, Nature and Peace by Sunol Alvar