No Means No (ages 1-5)

"Mother and Child"Gustav Klimt

The most difficult job as a parent is to figure out how to raise a child safely so they grow with an inner sense of responsibility that leads them to trust in themselves. This is the basis for discipline. How do we teach our children to do the “right” thing and behave responsibly to themselves and others?

In watching my friends and the results of their parenting styles over the course of over 25+ years, I've seen a clear pattern. The children of parents who had strong and consistent guidelines when the child was young, then gradually let go of those boundaries and gave incremental and appropriate self-direction to the child did best.

These children grow up with a stronger sense of themselves. They aren’t as angry. They have more respect for themselves, others and the planet, do better in school, in relationships and at their jobs. My theory is that when kids are young, they need a framework within which to operate. The younger they are the more structure they want to feel safe because they're learning the boundaries of themselves as separate. Boundaries on the outside lead to learning to have them in place internally. The voice that suggests and sticks to a logical and reasonable course of action leads to the child internalizing that voice to the point where it becomes theirs.

We want our kids to have an internal compass, a place to refer to when they are in struggle, stress or unique situations that have no cut and dry answers but which require wisdom. So how do we help our children become all they can be? It starts with consistent, reasonable, loving structure. Never Waffle. No means no.

Believe me, I know for Moms it’s tremendously tiring to be on top of things all the time. But if you want your child to grow into someone who has their internal compass in place, you have to decide that when you say “no” you mean it. This means you have to be vigilant.

First you need to be vigilant with yourself. Make your no’s important, special. This means don’t have tons of them. Is it (whatever elicits the no) really important in this moment? Are you saying no because it’s in your kids interest or yours? Is what's going on life threatening? Will it harm or destroy something? Is it potentially dangerous, either physically, emotionally or spiritually? Is it practical (time to go now so don’t start a game?). Or is this something that just bugs you? Or are you just grumpy because you aren't taking care of yourself?

Thing is, better figure your reasons for saying no before you say it, because once you say it you have to enforce it. If you don’t, if you start saying no all over the place with no forethought and no intention of doing the work it may take to back that it up, you are setting yourself and your child up for huge problems. If no's are arbitrary, if they have no logic, how are kids to understand the bigger picture of how to act in the world? If they are constantly trying to figure out your rules, instead of the bigger rules that govern how to act in the world (which your smaller rules should be a reflection of), then how is it they will develop their own set of ethics?

To constantly have random no’s teaches a kid that they have to learn how to “play the game,” because the game is arbitrary. If your no's have reason, then the kid learns the underlying reasons that make boundaries important. Kids are smart.

When a child is very young (say 1-5), even if you discover that you've made a mistake, no still has to mean no and you have to follow through because at this very early age, you are trying to teach and this first thing to learn is consistancy/stability. Very young kids don’t need and cannot handle your lengthy explanations of the why’s and wherefores. I've watched kid after kid twitch when their parent tries to ‘reason’ with them. No means no. Pick them up, if needs be, remove them, distract them, give them something else to do. Then keep vigilant because they will often try to return to the activity.

If you ignore them and they get to do what you told them not to, then why would they listen the next time you say no? Each time you don't follow through, you teach them to be patient and wait you out and they will get their way. If you establish this pattern, put in your efforts and time early on, it’s money in the bank, so to speak for the future. Your kids will give you and themselves much less grief at age 8 if they learn at age 2 that you mean no. Just be sure it’s important. Make your no's worthy of being followed.

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