Choosing Motherhood
I've always loved my girls. None of them were planned pregnancies. I've always called them "gifts." I love them, cared for them in the best ways I knew how and always put them first. But it wasn't until after my divorce that I truly embraced motherhood as a conscious choice.
After my ex and I separated, I was involved in a number of personal growth workshops. Many of them were in the Bay Area (I live in Northern California). I had always lived my life for others and was ready to live fully without being tied to anyone or anything.
This started to seep over into my feelings toward my children. Many of the others who participated in the workshops had left their families, making a break from their past in all sorts of ways. I had a few judgments about some of the women. It flipped me out that a Mother could choose to abandon her children. The more I looked at myself in those judgments, the more I saw that I was judging them because I felt trapped.
Part of inner growth work involves being completely honest with yourself, even if you don't like what you see. It's about learning to stop judging those parts of ourselves that are 'true' but that don't necessarily have support in the culture at large. It's about learning to embrace our Dark.
When I started to tell myself the truth about how I really felt about being a Mother, I discovered I didn't want to be one. I hated having my whole life revolve around having to take care of them. I resented that they had intruded upon my life, requiring my attention, requiring that I constantly and consistently devote everything I had to them. I hated that I was required to always lose my identity, forget about what I wanted for them. I had no life, I had these shackles.
And I started to entertain the idea of leaving them with their father, moving two and half hours away to be free. I started to imagine being one of those women who could abandon her children. I dealt with all my self judgments, all my internal voices about what an awful person I was to be able to even consider leaving them. I admitted that although I had energy around fathers leaving their kids, it had no comparison in my mind with the abomination of a mother leaving them.
I finally reached the point where I dealt with all those voices and gave myself permission to leave them.
But an odd thing happened. As soon as I gave myself permission, as soon as I dealt with all the reasons why I didn't want to be there and allowed myself to feel them and still see myself as an OK human being, the need to leave disappeared.
For the first time since I had been a Mom, I no longer felt obligated to be there. I was now there because of Choice. I wanted to be in their lives, finally felt it the primary place I wanted to be with all my heart and soul.
The kids felt it, too. I think we all know and feel the difference between someone who is there because they HAVE to be there and the ones who WANT to be there. And my kids finally had a Mom who was able to say to them: Your life, You are the most important thing to me. I want to be with you. I want to walk beside you, share in your life, be there for you.
When they were older, I told them about this time. At first they would get a scared look on their faces as I would be recounting the part about deciding to leave. But then their faces would beam when I got to that last part. Kids get it.
After my ex and I separated, I was involved in a number of personal growth workshops. Many of them were in the Bay Area (I live in Northern California). I had always lived my life for others and was ready to live fully without being tied to anyone or anything.
This started to seep over into my feelings toward my children. Many of the others who participated in the workshops had left their families, making a break from their past in all sorts of ways. I had a few judgments about some of the women. It flipped me out that a Mother could choose to abandon her children. The more I looked at myself in those judgments, the more I saw that I was judging them because I felt trapped.
Part of inner growth work involves being completely honest with yourself, even if you don't like what you see. It's about learning to stop judging those parts of ourselves that are 'true' but that don't necessarily have support in the culture at large. It's about learning to embrace our Dark.
When I started to tell myself the truth about how I really felt about being a Mother, I discovered I didn't want to be one. I hated having my whole life revolve around having to take care of them. I resented that they had intruded upon my life, requiring my attention, requiring that I constantly and consistently devote everything I had to them. I hated that I was required to always lose my identity, forget about what I wanted for them. I had no life, I had these shackles.
And I started to entertain the idea of leaving them with their father, moving two and half hours away to be free. I started to imagine being one of those women who could abandon her children. I dealt with all my self judgments, all my internal voices about what an awful person I was to be able to even consider leaving them. I admitted that although I had energy around fathers leaving their kids, it had no comparison in my mind with the abomination of a mother leaving them.
I finally reached the point where I dealt with all those voices and gave myself permission to leave them.
But an odd thing happened. As soon as I gave myself permission, as soon as I dealt with all the reasons why I didn't want to be there and allowed myself to feel them and still see myself as an OK human being, the need to leave disappeared.
For the first time since I had been a Mom, I no longer felt obligated to be there. I was now there because of Choice. I wanted to be in their lives, finally felt it the primary place I wanted to be with all my heart and soul.
The kids felt it, too. I think we all know and feel the difference between someone who is there because they HAVE to be there and the ones who WANT to be there. And my kids finally had a Mom who was able to say to them: Your life, You are the most important thing to me. I want to be with you. I want to walk beside you, share in your life, be there for you.
When they were older, I told them about this time. At first they would get a scared look on their faces as I would be recounting the part about deciding to leave. But then their faces would beam when I got to that last part. Kids get it.
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