Cass

Two days ago, my youngest daughter, Cass, told me she signed a lease for an apartment. She's moving out in July.

Finally.

I love her. I also like the person she has become. And of the three girls, she and I have the most strained relationship. I am used to being adored. Cass does not adore me. In fact, she's pretty critical both overtly and subtley. We talk about it and she does not know where her expectations of me come from.

I keep wondering if she/we will outgrow it. I keep wondering if we will be able to overcome our mutual wariness of each other. I get whisperings of it, and then this week she is aloof again, distant. She hears everything coming out my mouth as criticism. I get tired of her putting me down. The other two girls are constantly telling us we're weird together, that we have issues. It's true.

I admire Cass. When she was 17, she finished Homeschool early and didn't know what to do with her life. She took a few weeks moping, then one day when I was out of town, she called and said that her dad had suggested she be an au pair. She told me she had gone online, posted an ad with a few services and had a family who wanted her to start in Germany. She was gone in a month.

I was so impressed with her bravery. She didn't understand why, even when I told her most adults wouldn't do what she was doing alone- first job, first time moving out, living in a different culture where she didn't speak the language, moving in with people she didn't know. Pretty scary.

And once she got there, she understood. She struggled there trying to fit in and had a difficult time with the Mom. She quit and moved out within about six months because she was miserable after trying her best to make it go well. Actually, that time of her life was the one we were the closest. She needed me then and needed my daily calls to keep hold of herself. She would whine if I needed to get off the phone before an hour was up. She clung to the connection and the safety of home. It was sweet.

I've been reading Mommie blogs these last few days and it's made me think lots about when my kids were smaller. I am reminded of the tremendous amount of physical and emotional work it takes to raise a child, much less multiples. I remember back to when they were little and see how some aspects of their personalities have remained the same. And as they grow there are constant new little pieces of "them" that come out of the woodwork to surprise and thrill me.

I think she'll do fine. She is developing a social awareness that is seeping into our relationship a bit. She's had a sense of entitlement that has been at the core of much of our dynamic. But her eyes are opening, I think, to the Blessings that she has been afforded.

I'm excited that she is taking this step. Excited for her and for me. I am ready to move on from being a custodial Mom. The role of Mom will never leave, but it is different when the kids move out. I know that she is afraid of being able to "make it," but I have confidence she'll do well.